When Someone Comes Out to You, Part 3

"Coming out" is an important moment (and often process) in the life of an LGBT+ person. As an ally, or as a trusted friend or family member of an LGBT+ person, it is important to note that your initial reaction to a person coming out is very important.

At some point, someone you know and love may come out to you. When that happens, how should you respond? 

So far in the series, we have talked about an affirming attitude and some tips related to conversation. Here are a few more stray thoughts.

Remember, the person has not changed

When someone comes out to you, they are still the same person you know and love. They have not transformed into someone different than the person you knew before the disclosure. Now, you simply have more information about the person. 

Let the person know you still feel the same way about them now that they have opened up to you. If you are surprised or shocked by the news, do not let this surprise alter the way you think about the person. It's still them. You have the basis for a stronger relationship now that you know more about them.

You are not Fred, Velma, and the gang ripping the mask off a villain at the end of an episode of Scooby Doo; you're a trusted friend who has been clued in to one aspect of a person's identity. Don't think of this conversation as an, "Ah ha! So that is what you really are!" type moment. Instead, think of it as a, "Now I know more about you," type moment. 

Don't be Afraid to challenge traditional norms

When someone comes out to you, you may need to examine your own beliefs about sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender roles.

Do you have assumptions about ways a person should or should not express themselves? Are there any stereotypes or prejudices you are carrying? Are you filtering your view of this person through perceived societal norms? Are you expecting this person to conform to any expectations you have related to gender or orientation?

Consider your own traditional norms and be careful not to hold others accountable for your own personal expectations.  

Be prepared to help connect that person to resources or help if needed

As I mentioned in the first post, don't assume that a person needs help when they come out to you. But, it is possible that the person might need some support.

They may need some emotional support. They may be experiencing discrimination, threats of violence, or bullying. They may feel alienated, isolated, shunned, or lonely. They may be in need of professional guidance for any number of issues.

Don't assume your friend needs help when they come out to you, but if they need help, don't leave them on their own.

If you don't know the answers to their questions, don't be afraid to seek help elsewhere. Be prepared to help your friend find a safe and healthy counselor, refer them to a hotline, or connect them with a local LGBT organization. If your friend is feeling suicidal or trying to self-harm, contact mental health or emergency services. Be willing to drive them to the library or community center to seek out resources, and offer a listening ear whenever you can. And don't hesitate to help your friend report violence, threats, or discrimination to the proper authorities.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

The Trevor Project

The nation’s only 24/7 crisis intervention and suicide prevention lifeline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning young people ages 13 to 24.

1-866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386)

The GLBT National Help Center 

Hotline:

1-888-THE-GLNH (888-843-4564)

Youth Talkline:

1-800-246-PRIDE (800-246-7743)

To report violence against LGBT+ people in Ohio, contact BRAVO.

More to come in Part 4! Next, we will make a few observations specific to transgender people.