When Someone Comes Out to You as Transgender

"Coming out" is an important moment (and often process) in the life of an LGBT+ person. As an ally, or as a trusted friend or family member of an LGBT+ person, it is important to note that your initial reaction to a person coming out is very important.

At some point, someone you know and love may come out to you. When that happens, how should you respond? 

So far in the series, we have talked about an affirming attitude and some tips related to conversation, plus a few more thoughts.

Today, I'd like to zero in on a few thoughts specific to transgender people. When someone tells you they are transgender, how should you respond?

The previous thoughts about coming out apply in this circumstance too, but here two things to keep in mind when speaking to a transgender person.

Validate the person's gender identity and expression

When we speak to or about people, we refer to them using pronouns, most of which are gender-specific. He, him, she, her, his, hers... it is virtually impossible to talk about a person without resorting to these basic cornerstones of relational language at some point.

When a person comes out to you as transgender, it is important to use the gender-related pronouns appropriate to the gender presented by that person. In other words, if the person identifies as female, honor them by referring to them as she. If the person identifies as male, honor them by referring to them as he. It is possible that the person has a specific pronoun they would like to be known by, so if they verbalize this, be sure to honor their wishes.

If you are not sure which pronoun to use, it's okay to politely ask the person which pronoun they would like you to use. If you are not able to ask for clarification, try to use gender neutral terms in the mean time. Do not refer to a person as "it." This is dehumanizing, insulting, and disrespectful.

If you have known the person for a long time, it may take some adjustment to begin using their preferred pronoun, but try to be intentional about it. Devote yourself to using language honorably and respectfully, it will go a long way in making the person feel loved and accepted.

Similarly, if a person begins going by a different name to reflect their gender, call them by the name they have given you. If you have known them by another name before, it may take some time and practice to make the change, but it is important to make an intentional effort to address this person by the name they now answer to. This is a sign of respect.

Remember that gender identity is separate from sexual orientation

Second, when someone comes out to you as transgender, do not make any assumptions about their orientation. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two separate concepts. When someone tells you about their gender identity, they are not providing you with any information about who they are attracted to. Unless the person specifically shares about their orientation, do not make judgements.

Keep these two things in mind when speaking with a transgender person, in addition to the guidelines mentioned in earlier posts. 

We've nearly reached the end of this blog series! In the final post, we'll take a look at some things NOT to say when someone comes out.

* GLSEN has some great resources related to safe spaces for LGBT+ students. Many of my reflections in this blog series have been informed by their helpful perspective.