When Someone Comes Out to You, Part 2

"Coming out" is an important moment (and often process) in the life of an LGBT+ person. As an ally, or as a trusted friend or family member of an LGBT+ person, it is important to note that your initial reaction to a person coming out is very important.

At some point, someone you know and love may come out to you. When that happens, how should you respond? 

 Last week, I started a five part blog series to answer that question. In the last post, we talked about an affirming attitude. Let's keep the conversation going with... conversation!

When someone comes out to you, how should you conduct yourself with words and other mouth sounds? Let's explore.
 
First rule of any conversation: Listen!

When someone comes out to you, you may be tempted to gush about your love and support for that person. Maybe you will feel the urge to give advice or share some sort of wisdom. Or maybe you will feel compelled to reciprocate their openness by "one-upping" them with a story from your own past.

You may feel obligated to give some sort of compelling answer when someone comes out to you. But, the truth is, you don't have to.

One of the best ways to be supportive of someone who comes out to you is to simply listen. Hear them out. Let them tell their story in the way they want to tell it. Make it clear, with your words and actions, that you are there first and foremost to listen to them.

It's okay to ask questions and share about yourself if they invite you to do so, but don't overshadow their moment by taking over the conversation and steering the dialogue where you want it to go. When someone is telling you for the first time that they are LGBT+, the conversation is not about you. It's perfectly acceptable to be silent for a while.   

You don't have to say much. Just be positive and supportive and invite them to speak their heart.

Communicate respect and confidentiality.

Keep in mind, just because a person came out to you, it does not mean they are ready to tell others. Coming out is a process. Don't subvert their story by blabbing to others what you've just heard.

It is possible, and even likely, that the person is out with some people but not others. Some people share with their closest friends and family first and distant relatives later. Some people are out among their friends, but not among their family. Some people are out among their family but not among their coworkers or at school. Every person is different.

When someone comes out to you, let them know that you can be trusted to keep the conversation private. Don't share information about their sexual orientation or gender identity without permission, and do not mention it on social media. You should never out another person. Every person should be granted the right to come out in their own way and their own time.

Also, be respectful. They have trusted you enough to come to you, don't give them any reason to regret that decision.

Ask questions, but only questions that show respect, acceptance, and compassion.

It is perfectly normal for you to have questions. Questions are not a bad thing, and asking the right questions can often lead to healthy dialogue.

But, when it comes to questions, there are two things to keep in mind: timing and tone.

When a person first comes out to you, it might be prudent to save your questions for an appropriate time. Don't bombard the person with a series of inquiries right away. This is not an interrogation, it is a conversation. If the conversation pivots to the Spanish Inquisition, it could cast a negative pall over the whole affair.

Again, it's okay to have questions, but don't make the coming out conversation about you. It's about the person sitting across from you.

Second, when asking questions, remember that your tone is important. Even when you mean well, some questions can be offensive. You could sound accusatory or judgmental if you ask your question in the wrong way. Or, you could sound like some kind of creeper who is trying to satisfy your lurid curiosity about sexual matters. Just because someone comes out to you, it does not give you a license to delve into their sexual life. Don't ask about sexual partners, sexual activities, or personal procedures or processes. Allow the person to share what they are willing to share.

Here are some good questions to start with:

More to come in Part 3! Next time, we will address the way you think about the person once they have come out to you.

* GLSEN has some great resources related to safe spaces for LGBT+ students. Many of my reflections in this blog series have been informed by their helpful perspective.