Top 5 Things NOT to Say When Someone Comes Out

In the past few weeks, we have spent some time thinking about your response as an ally when someone comes out to you as LGBT+. In Part 1, we talked about our attitude. In Part 2, we talked about conversation. In Part 3, we kicked around some thoughts about friendship, and then in Part 4, we talked specifically about interacting with a transgender person when they come out.

Today, the rocketing conclusion!

We've spent a little time talking about what to say when someone comes out, but there are plenty of things NOT to say.

Here are the top 5 sentiments to avoid.

If someone comes out to you as LGBT+, maybe you will feel like you have grounds to say you had "suspected" this about the person already. Resist the urge to blurt out, "Ah ha! I knew it all along!" If you suspected it before, ask yourself why. Were you making an assumption about this person based on stereotypes?

Also, keep in mind, this moment is not about you. Do not twist the conversation or shift the topic to how wise or smart you think you are. The conversation is about the other person! They don't want to hear about the assumptions you made about them in the past.

When a person comes out, avoid asking, "Are you sure?" This implies that the person does not know who they are. It can also imply that you are skeptical of their conclusion or that you are trying to persuade them to change their mind.

Also avoid saying things like, "You're confused," or, "This is just a phase."

This type of thinking comes into play when someone believes an LGBT+ person should be straight instead. When a man discloses that he is gay, he is not saying so because he has had poor luck on the dating scene. Do not suggest that finding the right woman will turn a gay man straight. Likewise, do not tell a lesbian woman that finding the right man will turn her straight.

Furthermore, do not suggest that a transgender person should spend more time with members of a particular gender in order to "become" a better man or woman. 

Avoid telling a person to keep their gender identity or orientation a secret. This is a message rooted in shame. It suggests there is something wrong with being an LGBT+ person and that this aspect of their identity must be kept hidden.

If you have legitimate reason to believe it will be harmful for someone to disclose their gender identity or sexual orientation in a particular setting, be open and honest about your concerns. You can tell the person, "I am concerned about the level of tolerance in our school, job, and community. Have you thought about how our current atmosphere might affect who you decide to come out to and when? Can I be helpful to you in any way?"

Finally, avoid making assumptions about a person's gender identity or orientation based on something you have seen or heard in the past. This kind of thinking only refers to behavior, but sexual orientation pertains to inner feelings. Just because a person is acting a certain way outwardly, it does not mean they feel the same way inwardly.

Similarly, do not make assumptions about a person's gender identity based on the past. Just because you knew someone when they identified as a man or woman, it does not mean that is still true today. Perhaps you knew this person during a different point in their journey, or perhaps this person had a reason to keep aspects of their identity private in the past, which they are now living openly.

* GLSEN has some great resources related to safe spaces for LGBT+ students. Many of my reflections in this blog series have been informed by their helpful perspective.