What does it mean to come out?
When someone comes out, it means they have decided to tell you they are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning, or other. Coming out means a person has decided to share an aspect of their personal life with others, namely their sexual orientation or gender identity. When someone comes out, they are letting you in on who they are as a person.
At some point, someone you know and love may come out to you. When that happens, how should you respond?
As an ally, or as someone in a trusted relationship with your friend or family member, it is important to note that your initial reaction to a person coming out is very important. Keep in mind, this person has probably spent a lot of time thinking about whether or not to tell you, and also when and how to tell you. You must honor them in the way you respond.
This is the first of a five-part series on what to do when someone comes out to you. In the coming posts, we will unpack some of the ways a helpful ally can respond when someone comes out. We'll talk about being supportive of LGBT+ people in general, and in a later post, we'll also look at some responses specific to transgender people. Then, we will outline some specific pitfalls to avoid.
There are some great tips on the way! Let's kick things off with a few suggestions related to your attitude.
Offer support, but don't assume they need help
You're a caring and compassionate person. It's possible that your first reaction will be to offer your support to the person who has opened up to you. That's a great impulse! But be careful not to assume you know about the person's situation.
Just because this person is opening up to you, it does not mean they are doing so because they need help. This person may be completely comfortable with their orientation and identity. They may not need help dealing with it and they may not need any support at the moment.
Maybe they are coming out to you just so you're aware, or maybe they are simply helping you get to know them better. Suppress the urge to leap into action with offers to help.
It's always great to offer to be a supportive friend, but you don't want to send the signal, "You're gay? Oh, you poor thing! How can I help you?" If you're close with the person, they should already know you are there for them, and you'll have the relational framework to offer support lovingly. If you're not close to the person, don't insert yourself into the middle of their story without permission.
Offer to be supportive in any way you can, but don't insult the person by implying their helplessness.
Demonstrate acceptance
Use words and actions that show acceptance, not rejection. Don't make any assumptions about the person based on what they have shared with you. Allow them to share their story to the extent they are willing, and with their own timing.
Don't project your own perceptions of LGBT+ people onto your friend; allow them to be who they are without attaching your baggage to them. Don't resort to language that is hurtful, and don't allow stereotypes to color your perception of the person.
If you aren't sure what to say, it's okay to simply listen and express your admiration and love for the person in simple terms.
Appreciate their courage
You don't want to make assumptions about the person's need for help and support, but at the same time, you should recognize there is always risk associated with telling someone something personal. This is particularly true when it comes to matters of sexuality and identity. Realize that this person has been bold and vulnerable with you. Their bravery in sharing with you should be met with respect and gratitude.
Consider someone's willingness to come out to you as a sign of trust. Don't abuse their trust.
More to come! In the next installment, we'll talk about conversation and listening in relation to coming out.
* GLSEN has some great resources related to safe spaces for LGBT+ students. Many of my reflections in this blog series have been informed by their helpful perspective.
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