Visiting First United Church of Christ

One aspect of my quest to become a better ally includes exploring some of the people and places in my community who have publicly expressed welcome to their LGBTQ neighbors. As part of this effort, I am visiting all seven churches who added their name to the Equality Springfield billboard project.

Most recently, my wife and I had the opportunity to visit First United Church of Christ.

The members of First UCC greeted us warmly when we arrived and welcomed us into their company for the morning worship service.

The sermon, readings, music, and interactions... throughout the entire service, the central and overriding theme was obvious: LOVE. No matter who you are or where you've been, you are dearly loved. This message was evident from our interactions with the people of First UCC, but even a cursory glance at some of their core beliefs brings further confirmation. Here are just a few of them:

• We believe there is more love in God than there is bad in us.
  
• We believe all people are valued by God, no matter where they've been or what they've done.
  
• We believe we don't all have to believe the same things. People's spiritual journeys take them many different places.
  
• We believe our mission is to serve the people of our community with as much of God's love and understanding as we can muster.

First UCC also holds the distinction of being an Open and Affirming ministry.

"Open and Affirming" is an official designation for congregations who affirm the full inclusion of LGBT+ people in the life and ministry of the church. Think of it as a certification of sorts, documenting a church group's intention and capacity to welcome LGBT+ people. The Open and Affirming program is administered by the UCC Open and Affirming Coalition.

For First UCC, becoming an Open and Affirming congregation did not happen overnight. It was a process, which Pastor Gail Eastwood considered to be very important. When a key member of the congregation advocated for the church to enter into the Open and Affirming process, it launched the church into a time of study and engagement of issues related to gender identity and sexuality.

Working toward Open and Affirming status included congregational meetings, discussions, and time spent in study and prayer. The process also involved an examination of church practices, to ensure that the church was doing everything possible to be welcoming of all people. The process culminated in First UCC joining in covenant with Open and Affirming Coalition, declaring publicly their full welcome and inclusion of LGBTQ people.

At First UCC, "Love your neighbor," is not just an empty phrase; it is a call to action. In addition to their regular Sunday services, the church is active in community service, including frequent community meals, support of a local food pantry, collecting donations of winter clothing and items for local elementary schools, and other efforts.

First UCC has hosted a Transgender Day of Remembrance service, an annual observance to honor the memory of transgender people who lost their lives to violence. First Church also hosted a vigil in the wake of the shooting at Pulse Nightclub of Orlando in 2016.

"Welcome" does not happen by accident. Like any other skill, extending hospitality takes practice. And First UCC has been practicing for quite some time.

Spring Ga(y)la to Build Community

I'm very excited to be part of Equality Springfield's Spring Ga(y)la, which is taking place this Friday evening, April 21st, at Mother Stewart's Brewing Company in Springfield.

The Ga(y)la is an annual event, but this year's iteration has been revamped to include exciting new opportunities for attendees. Part fundraiser, part community building event, this year's Ga(y)la will feature live music, an art auction, and a dynamic speaker. The event is free and open to the public.

This year, event organizer and Equality Springfield Vice President Brad Minerd saw an opportunity to bring something new to the community. Aside from being a fundraiser, Brad also wanted the event to be educational, and to present an opportunity for Springfield locals to engage leaders and hear about important matters in the State of Ohio. For this reason, Brad reached out to State Representative Nickie Antonio.

Rep. Nickie Antonio will deliver the keynote address at the Ga(y)la, and also meet and greet attendees. Rep. Antonio is serving her fourth term in the Ohio House of Representatives, where she represents the 13th House District, which includes the City of Lakewood and parts of Cleveland's West Side.

Rep. Antonio has been a fierce defender of the rights of women and LGBTQ people and has been a vocal proponent of non-discrimination legislation. She has also spoken out against legislation that would enshrine exclusion and disenfranchisement.

Not only will Ga(y)la attendees get to hear from Rep. Antonio, but there will be many other exciting opportunities. Beginning at 6pm, Mother Stewart's will open their doors for drinking and socializing, with a portion of sales proceeds being donated to Equality Springfield. Live jazz music will begin at 7pm, featuring a performance by CrossRoads Band. Rep. Antonio will speak around 7:40pm, so be sure to get a seat!

Throughout the evening, a silent art auction will take place, with an impressive selection of artwork from local artists, including Floyd "JR" Hook, Marlies Hemmann, Vicki Rulli, and Molly Loftis. There will also be a 50/50 drawing and some prize raffles.

Admission is free. Bring a friend! I'll see you there.

Top 5 Things NOT to Say When Someone Comes Out

In the past few weeks, we have spent some time thinking about your response as an ally when someone comes out to you as LGBT+. In Part 1, we talked about our attitude. In Part 2, we talked about conversation. In Part 3, we kicked around some thoughts about friendship, and then in Part 4, we talked specifically about interacting with a transgender person when they come out.

Today, the rocketing conclusion!

We've spent a little time talking about what to say when someone comes out, but there are plenty of things NOT to say.

Here are the top 5 sentiments to avoid.

If someone comes out to you as LGBT+, maybe you will feel like you have grounds to say you had "suspected" this about the person already. Resist the urge to blurt out, "Ah ha! I knew it all along!" If you suspected it before, ask yourself why. Were you making an assumption about this person based on stereotypes?

Also, keep in mind, this moment is not about you. Do not twist the conversation or shift the topic to how wise or smart you think you are. The conversation is about the other person! They don't want to hear about the assumptions you made about them in the past.

When a person comes out, avoid asking, "Are you sure?" This implies that the person does not know who they are. It can also imply that you are skeptical of their conclusion or that you are trying to persuade them to change their mind.

Also avoid saying things like, "You're confused," or, "This is just a phase."

This type of thinking comes into play when someone believes an LGBT+ person should be straight instead. When a man discloses that he is gay, he is not saying so because he has had poor luck on the dating scene. Do not suggest that finding the right woman will turn a gay man straight. Likewise, do not tell a lesbian woman that finding the right man will turn her straight.

Furthermore, do not suggest that a transgender person should spend more time with members of a particular gender in order to "become" a better man or woman. 

Avoid telling a person to keep their gender identity or orientation a secret. This is a message rooted in shame. It suggests there is something wrong with being an LGBT+ person and that this aspect of their identity must be kept hidden.

If you have legitimate reason to believe it will be harmful for someone to disclose their gender identity or sexual orientation in a particular setting, be open and honest about your concerns. You can tell the person, "I am concerned about the level of tolerance in our school, job, and community. Have you thought about how our current atmosphere might affect who you decide to come out to and when? Can I be helpful to you in any way?"

Finally, avoid making assumptions about a person's gender identity or orientation based on something you have seen or heard in the past. This kind of thinking only refers to behavior, but sexual orientation pertains to inner feelings. Just because a person is acting a certain way outwardly, it does not mean they feel the same way inwardly.

Similarly, do not make assumptions about a person's gender identity based on the past. Just because you knew someone when they identified as a man or woman, it does not mean that is still true today. Perhaps you knew this person during a different point in their journey, or perhaps this person had a reason to keep aspects of their identity private in the past, which they are now living openly.

* GLSEN has some great resources related to safe spaces for LGBT+ students. Many of my reflections in this blog series have been informed by their helpful perspective.

When Someone Comes Out to You as Transgender

"Coming out" is an important moment (and often process) in the life of an LGBT+ person. As an ally, or as a trusted friend or family member of an LGBT+ person, it is important to note that your initial reaction to a person coming out is very important.

At some point, someone you know and love may come out to you. When that happens, how should you respond? 

So far in the series, we have talked about an affirming attitude and some tips related to conversation, plus a few more thoughts.

Today, I'd like to zero in on a few thoughts specific to transgender people. When someone tells you they are transgender, how should you respond?

The previous thoughts about coming out apply in this circumstance too, but here two things to keep in mind when speaking to a transgender person.

Validate the person's gender identity and expression

When we speak to or about people, we refer to them using pronouns, most of which are gender-specific. He, him, she, her, his, hers... it is virtually impossible to talk about a person without resorting to these basic cornerstones of relational language at some point.

When a person comes out to you as transgender, it is important to use the gender-related pronouns appropriate to the gender presented by that person. In other words, if the person identifies as female, honor them by referring to them as she. If the person identifies as male, honor them by referring to them as he. It is possible that the person has a specific pronoun they would like to be known by, so if they verbalize this, be sure to honor their wishes.

If you are not sure which pronoun to use, it's okay to politely ask the person which pronoun they would like you to use. If you are not able to ask for clarification, try to use gender neutral terms in the mean time. Do not refer to a person as "it." This is dehumanizing, insulting, and disrespectful.

If you have known the person for a long time, it may take some adjustment to begin using their preferred pronoun, but try to be intentional about it. Devote yourself to using language honorably and respectfully, it will go a long way in making the person feel loved and accepted.

Similarly, if a person begins going by a different name to reflect their gender, call them by the name they have given you. If you have known them by another name before, it may take some time and practice to make the change, but it is important to make an intentional effort to address this person by the name they now answer to. This is a sign of respect.

Remember that gender identity is separate from sexual orientation

Second, when someone comes out to you as transgender, do not make any assumptions about their orientation. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two separate concepts. When someone tells you about their gender identity, they are not providing you with any information about who they are attracted to. Unless the person specifically shares about their orientation, do not make judgements.

Keep these two things in mind when speaking with a transgender person, in addition to the guidelines mentioned in earlier posts. 

We've nearly reached the end of this blog series! In the final post, we'll take a look at some things NOT to say when someone comes out.

* GLSEN has some great resources related to safe spaces for LGBT+ students. Many of my reflections in this blog series have been informed by their helpful perspective.

When Someone Comes Out to You, Part 3

"Coming out" is an important moment (and often process) in the life of an LGBT+ person. As an ally, or as a trusted friend or family member of an LGBT+ person, it is important to note that your initial reaction to a person coming out is very important.

At some point, someone you know and love may come out to you. When that happens, how should you respond? 

So far in the series, we have talked about an affirming attitude and some tips related to conversation. Here are a few more stray thoughts.

Remember, the person has not changed

When someone comes out to you, they are still the same person you know and love. They have not transformed into someone different than the person you knew before the disclosure. Now, you simply have more information about the person. 

Let the person know you still feel the same way about them now that they have opened up to you. If you are surprised or shocked by the news, do not let this surprise alter the way you think about the person. It's still them. You have the basis for a stronger relationship now that you know more about them.

You are not Fred, Velma, and the gang ripping the mask off a villain at the end of an episode of Scooby Doo; you're a trusted friend who has been clued in to one aspect of a person's identity. Don't think of this conversation as an, "Ah ha! So that is what you really are!" type moment. Instead, think of it as a, "Now I know more about you," type moment. 

Don't be Afraid to challenge traditional norms

When someone comes out to you, you may need to examine your own beliefs about sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender roles.

Do you have assumptions about ways a person should or should not express themselves? Are there any stereotypes or prejudices you are carrying? Are you filtering your view of this person through perceived societal norms? Are you expecting this person to conform to any expectations you have related to gender or orientation?

Consider your own traditional norms and be careful not to hold others accountable for your own personal expectations.  

Be prepared to help connect that person to resources or help if needed

As I mentioned in the first post, don't assume that a person needs help when they come out to you. But, it is possible that the person might need some support.

They may need some emotional support. They may be experiencing discrimination, threats of violence, or bullying. They may feel alienated, isolated, shunned, or lonely. They may be in need of professional guidance for any number of issues.

Don't assume your friend needs help when they come out to you, but if they need help, don't leave them on their own.

If you don't know the answers to their questions, don't be afraid to seek help elsewhere. Be prepared to help your friend find a safe and healthy counselor, refer them to a hotline, or connect them with a local LGBT organization. If your friend is feeling suicidal or trying to self-harm, contact mental health or emergency services. Be willing to drive them to the library or community center to seek out resources, and offer a listening ear whenever you can. And don't hesitate to help your friend report violence, threats, or discrimination to the proper authorities.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

The Trevor Project

The nation’s only 24/7 crisis intervention and suicide prevention lifeline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning young people ages 13 to 24.

1-866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386)

The GLBT National Help Center 

Hotline:

1-888-THE-GLNH (888-843-4564)

Youth Talkline:

1-800-246-PRIDE (800-246-7743)

To report violence against LGBT+ people in Ohio, contact BRAVO.

More to come in Part 4! Next, we will make a few observations specific to transgender people.

When Someone Comes Out to You, Part 2

"Coming out" is an important moment (and often process) in the life of an LGBT+ person. As an ally, or as a trusted friend or family member of an LGBT+ person, it is important to note that your initial reaction to a person coming out is very important.

At some point, someone you know and love may come out to you. When that happens, how should you respond? 

 Last week, I started a five part blog series to answer that question. In the last post, we talked about an affirming attitude. Let's keep the conversation going with... conversation!

When someone comes out to you, how should you conduct yourself with words and other mouth sounds? Let's explore.
 
First rule of any conversation: Listen!

When someone comes out to you, you may be tempted to gush about your love and support for that person. Maybe you will feel the urge to give advice or share some sort of wisdom. Or maybe you will feel compelled to reciprocate their openness by "one-upping" them with a story from your own past.

You may feel obligated to give some sort of compelling answer when someone comes out to you. But, the truth is, you don't have to.

One of the best ways to be supportive of someone who comes out to you is to simply listen. Hear them out. Let them tell their story in the way they want to tell it. Make it clear, with your words and actions, that you are there first and foremost to listen to them.

It's okay to ask questions and share about yourself if they invite you to do so, but don't overshadow their moment by taking over the conversation and steering the dialogue where you want it to go. When someone is telling you for the first time that they are LGBT+, the conversation is not about you. It's perfectly acceptable to be silent for a while.   

You don't have to say much. Just be positive and supportive and invite them to speak their heart.

Communicate respect and confidentiality.

Keep in mind, just because a person came out to you, it does not mean they are ready to tell others. Coming out is a process. Don't subvert their story by blabbing to others what you've just heard.

It is possible, and even likely, that the person is out with some people but not others. Some people share with their closest friends and family first and distant relatives later. Some people are out among their friends, but not among their family. Some people are out among their family but not among their coworkers or at school. Every person is different.

When someone comes out to you, let them know that you can be trusted to keep the conversation private. Don't share information about their sexual orientation or gender identity without permission, and do not mention it on social media. You should never out another person. Every person should be granted the right to come out in their own way and their own time.

Also, be respectful. They have trusted you enough to come to you, don't give them any reason to regret that decision.

Ask questions, but only questions that show respect, acceptance, and compassion.

It is perfectly normal for you to have questions. Questions are not a bad thing, and asking the right questions can often lead to healthy dialogue.

But, when it comes to questions, there are two things to keep in mind: timing and tone.

When a person first comes out to you, it might be prudent to save your questions for an appropriate time. Don't bombard the person with a series of inquiries right away. This is not an interrogation, it is a conversation. If the conversation pivots to the Spanish Inquisition, it could cast a negative pall over the whole affair.

Again, it's okay to have questions, but don't make the coming out conversation about you. It's about the person sitting across from you.

Second, when asking questions, remember that your tone is important. Even when you mean well, some questions can be offensive. You could sound accusatory or judgmental if you ask your question in the wrong way. Or, you could sound like some kind of creeper who is trying to satisfy your lurid curiosity about sexual matters. Just because someone comes out to you, it does not give you a license to delve into their sexual life. Don't ask about sexual partners, sexual activities, or personal procedures or processes. Allow the person to share what they are willing to share.

Here are some good questions to start with:

More to come in Part 3! Next time, we will address the way you think about the person once they have come out to you.

* GLSEN has some great resources related to safe spaces for LGBT+ students. Many of my reflections in this blog series have been informed by their helpful perspective.