Revisiting Avery's Story: Implications for Allies

I recently had an opportunity to sit down with Avery Sledge for conversation and coffee. My last post, which you can read by clicking here, shared a bit of Avery's story as well as some insights about her journey as a community leader, minister, and teacher who happens to be a transgender person. 

Throughout the course of my conversation with Avery, certain insights also came to light which might be helpful for an emerging ally.

Based on my conversation with Avery, here are the top 5 Implications for Allies!

1) We all must check our preconceptions and assumptions.

At this point in history, we still live in a binary society. This means that the prevailing "majority culture" holds various associations when it comes to gender roles and gender "norms." In other words, there are lingering in our consciousness certain beliefs and assumptions about "things that men do" and "things that women do."

Avery noted that people are often treated differently when they do not conform to the prevailing notions of appropriate gender roles. When a person does not fit into the assumed norm, or when a person does not fall neatly into one of the preconceived categories we've created, there is often tension. This is often rooted in the incongruity between the observer's assumed understanding of gender roles and the actual reality of a living breathing person before their eyes.

One example of this disconnect between assumptions and reality comes each time Avery visits a hardware store. Avery has a great deal of mastery when it comes to plumbing, electrical work, and other household maintenance tasks, having worked in hardware for eight years, and yet when she walks around a hardware store, she notices a difference in the way people interact with her.

"My brain is the same brain. I still have all the same talents and experiences. But there is often an assumption that there has been an IQ drop. People assume helplessness, a lack of knowledge. It's as if they are asking, why would this lady want to walk around the hardware store?"

Spoken or unspoken, there are various assumptions in our culture about normalcy. One of the initial steps in coming to know people as they are, is ridding ourselves of these assumptions, or at the very least, questioning them with fierce scrutiny. Just because I find something to be normal or abnormal, does that make it so?

After all, as Avery reminded me, "Normal is just a setting on the clothes dryer."

2) Curiosity is natural and questions are welcome... but questions must be respectful.

It is acceptable to listen and learn from people with different life experiences, and Avery strives to create safe spaces where people can freely ask questions. In fact, Avery frequently plays a role in organizing forums, panel discussions, and lectures to educate others and foster dialogue.

However, this does not mean that potential allies should be careless in the way they engage. It is possible to be insulting and hurtful when asking questions. If our attitude is one of scrutiny and judgment, this will come through in our questions. The intent behind our questions should be to learn and to get to know a person better, not to steer others toward an opinion we already hold. Questions which are meant to disparage or cast doubt are not appropriate.

If someone has taken the tremendous risk of opening themselves up and becoming vulnerable, honor them by listening to their story. This is not a time for you to challenge them or ask accusatory questions.

You may find that your questions are rooted in ignorance. Perhaps you will be hurtful without realizing it. Your terminology may be unhelpful, but only because you lack the vocabulary necessary in that moment. This is okay. Do not be intimidated by your current lack of knowledge. Instead, be humble and posture yourself as a learner. By entering dialogue as a learner, you stand to gain much.

Similarly, do not forget politeness. Just because you are curious about something specific, it does not mean the topic is appropriate. Steer away from questions rooted in lurid curiosity, such as “How do you go to the bathroom?” or “Tell me about your genitalia.” You typically would not ask those questions in polite company... why would that be any different now?

Allies have a responsibility to stop and think about the tone and attitude they are presenting when asking questions. As we learn and grow, we will all make mistakes, and sometimes we will inadvertently be disrespectful. In those moments, we have a duty to listen carefully, apologize sincerely, and make necessary changes going forward.

3) Allies should learn from the stories of LGBTQ+ people, but they should not take ownership of stories that are not their own. 

Simply put, do not presume to speak on others behalf. When someone shares their story with you, do not assume that you have permission to share this story with others.

Whenever possible, allow others to share their experience in their own words. Someone's story is not something for you to appropriate, it is not a resource to be tapped. You can tell your own story with an intimacy no one else will ever have; do not rob others of this sacredness.

Whenever possible, allies should use their voices to amplify the voices of those who are being ignored or overlooked, without seeking the spotlight themselves. You may have the best intentions in your desire to share what you are learning, but do not overstep your bounds.

First, do not assume that someone wants their story to be widely shared. Just because they confided in you does not mean they want their story made public.

Second, do not assume that you are suited to fully capture the experience and perspectives of others in a way that is even remotely adequate. They are uniquely suited to share their own story, do not assume you have the authority to speak for them. Never talk ABOUT people when you can talk WITH people.

Avery practices this herself. Whenever she is asked to speak on behalf of LGBT+ people, she is careful to consider the voices of gay, lesbian, and bisexual people and include them whenever possible, so not to speak on behalf of a group that she herself is not a part of. L and B and G and T are often lumped together as a single category, but each letter represents a distinctive community. She is very clear that she can’t speak for every transgender person, for each person’s experience is unique. Avery is always cautious to clarify which community she is part of and to avoid speaking authoritatively on behalf of others whose experience differs from her own.

4) Allies offering support or resources should be doing so in an open-ended way, not with an ulterior motive or desired outcome in mind.

“When I was growing up, counseling was a threat.”

Avery shared with me about the type of counseling she saw being offered when she was growing up. In many cases, these services were not being offered in an open-ended way to honor the needs of the recipient, but to instead bolster the strength of someone else's desires.

In this approach, counseling was used not to meet people where they were and help them process what was going on in their lives. Instead, this "help" was designed to drive others toward a predetermined outcome. Some people try to talk others out of their identity, or raise questions about a person’s conclusions, or say hurtful things about alleged causalities and “reasons why” a person is the way they are. These approaches are not helpful.

Your first step as an ally is NOT to assume that the person you are talking to needs help. Them confiding in you about some aspect of their identity does not automatically mean they are facing a crisis, and it certainly does not mean there is something in the person you must work to change.

When those times come that a person needs some resources, such as counseling or other types of support, you should help them seek out safe, reliable, trustworthy providers who will offer guidance and counseling in an honest and non-manipulative way. There should be no ulterior motives.

Avery noted that science is increasingly showing medical, psychological, spiritual, emotional, and relational factors which must be considered in the care and well-being of transgender people. By the way, "psychological considerations" do not include an assumption that transgender identity is a disorder or treating a person as if they are deficient; it simply means to care for a person's mental health as well. 

5) Allies must respond to discrimination.

It's is simple as this: if you do nothing in the face of discrimination, you have sided with the oppressor. Constantly ask yourself, "Is my neighbor being mistreated? How can I help put an end to that?"

Check yourself to see if you are contributing to the negative experience of others. Seek to eliminate any personal actions that might harm others. Seek to use honoring language at all times. Avoid hurtful jokes and stereotypes. Go out of your way to befriend someone who is different than you.

For many people, this begins by simply acknowledging that discrimination exists. I cannot say it any better than Avery said it herself, in her conversation with the Facing Project:

Some are in denial. “We don’t need laws to protect against sexual orientation or gender identity discrimination because the police can’t tell you of any issues of hate crime…” they say. But there are still stories of intolerance that happen in subtle, benign ways…We have to make it clear that Springfield does not discriminate, in particular against the LGBTQ community. And by nondiscrimination, I mean we all subtly discriminate against the poor, we subtly discriminate against black people, we subtly discriminate against people of other religions, like Islamic folk….whether we want to or not, it’s because we are currently a dominant white, Protestant culture. That doesn’t just go for us, it happens everywhere. It’s a privilege we don’t want to give up. When push comes to shove, we retreat into our own, innate fears, innate grounding, or the way we were taught. And we all have that internal struggle on some level, if we’re honest with ourselves.

May we all seek justice, equity, and acceptance for all people in our sphere of influence, fostering an environment of perpetual learning and growing.

Thank you, Avery Sledge, for taking the time to help us learn and grow!