I Love Jesus, but I Cuss a Little: Avery's Story

I recently had an opportunity to sit down for coffee and conversation with Avery Sledge, Pastor of Highlands United Church of Christ. I'll be writing two blog posts based on my recent interactions with Avery. Here, in this first post, I will share a bit about her story. In the next post, I will share a few implications and insights for allies.

“How do we know who we are? It’s that big mystery in life; an enigma. It took many years for me to sort this out. I’ll start with this: I am a transgender person. I’m also a United Church of Christ Pastor.”

With those words, Avery began her conversation with the Facing Project, a group which seeks to connect people through story. The goal of the Facing Project is to strengthen communities by providing a platform for talented storytellers to share their life experience, in this case, specifically members of the LGBTQ+ community. Avery was a natural fit for this project, because she has been sharing her story for the benefit of others for many years. (Click here to read Avery's story in her own words.)

Avery is a sought-after speaker and teacher, frequently educating others at colleges and universities, community forums, churches, and public events. Avery currently serves as the pastor of Highlands United Church of Christ. Avery does not accept speaking invitations in order to gain the spotlight. In fact, she identifies as an introvert. But whenever there is an opportunity to engage in dialogue, she jumps at the chance, because she has been called into a life of service and ministry to others. As a pastor and teacher, Avery is uniquely suited to help others challenge their own assumptions, question their stereotypes, and begin to see others with new eyes.

For this reason, Avery actively seeks out forums where people can freely ask questions in a safe environment. People are often confused, frightened, and uncertain when they meet someone who comes from a different background than their own. The only way we can ever move forward, Avery notes, is to begin listening to one another with open minds and open hearts.

Avery welcomes questions, so long as they are kind, sincere, and not rooted in accusatory language or lurid curiosity. In other words, people should feel free to ask questions to clarify their uncertainty, but it is also prudent to be respectful.

One such question in the past was, "When did you first realize you were a female?" This question was asked by a well-intentioned friend who was genuinely curious about Avery's story. With the gentle correction that can only happen in the context of a close relationship, Avery responded to the man who asked her, "Well, when did you realize you were a male?"

Avery first knew of her gender difference when she was five years old. At such a young age, she did not have the words to name it yet, but she became aware that she was experiencing something unfamiliar to many of her peers.

Based on this realization, Avery found herself living a dual life for many years. She had one life that was public, conforming to the expectations of her school, her neighborhood, and her conservative church community. And, she had a second life which she knew to be true, internally. 

As she grew up, she did all the things society showed her she was supposed to do. She went to school, got married, and had two children. She served in the Air Force and became active in the United Methodist Church, where she was already a member. But all along, she wrestled with feeling different. After retiring from the Air Force as a colonel, Avery officially confirmed her gender.

In the midst of all this internal conflict, something else began to tug on Avery's heart. It became clear that God was calling her into ministry. Although Avery is now a gifted and talented minister, this development was a difficult one for her at the time.

Avery shared, "And so, when I finally got the call to enter the ministry, it was almost like we– God and I– were arguing about this summon. I initially offered up many reasons as to why I should not enter into the ministry. Among them, I said that I was a transgender person and the United Methodist church had never ordained a transgender person before. It was then God said, 'I’m not calling you to be just a United Methodist pastor. I’m calling you to be a pastor for my people,' which is a totally different call."

There is no rule book for this, Avery pointed out in our conversation. She spent many hours in prayer, wrestling with her identity and calling. In a sense, she was asking, "God, why are you doing this to me?" This long and painful struggle, which Avery sometimes refers to as a dark night of the soul, stretched over many years and took many iterations. There was the process of coming to terms with her identity as a child. Then, years later, there was the process of talking with her spouse about her conflicted feelings about her own gender identity. And, there was this new process, in which it was becoming clear that God was leading her down a path toward a life of ministry.

Avery speaking on City Hall Plaza in Springfield, in support of immigrants and minority communities.

"I never planned to be an activist of any kind, but God has this marvelous way of leading us where we did not intend to go."

Even now, Avery continues to follow this path, even when the course looks uncertain.

Sometimes, people ask Avery, "How do you reconcile your faith with these aspects of your story?" Whenever she is able, Avery reminds people that we all have many identities - father, son, mother, sister, parent, clergy person. God's design for us includes a broad spectrum of experiences, opportunities, and responsibilities for stewardship. The depth and breadth of God's plan for us is unfathomable... a massive canvas to be filled... a vast space to be explored.

"In the natural world," Avery tells her students, "There are many species that change gender. For example, male sea horses nurse their young. How could a God who created such marvelous diversity in the animal kingdom choose to work with one hand tied behind one's back in the realm of the human experience?"

This is not just a hypothetical example. Besides philosophical and theological reflections, Avery also digs deep into scientific research. She often shares with medical students at a local college, pointing out recent studies which demonstrate ongoing and increasing medical, biological, and psychological evidence that transgender identity is not "something people do." (By the way, at the mention of the word psychological, Avery is always quick to point out that this does not mean transgender identity is a disorder. Quite the contrary: the DSM removed Gender Identity Disorder from its pages in recognition of real and valid life experiences of numerous individuals.)

And so, Avery Sledge continues to minister, educate, and engage in conversation. She has not arrived at the pinnacle of knowledge and experience, but as a sojourner on the road, she has gathered many insights to share. If you're looking for a pristine, perfect, and saintly figure, Avery warns you to check your expectations. We are all on a journey, and even the Saints of the Christian tradition we fully human. This is why Avery wore a t-shirt to the morning church service on All Saints Day with the following message:

"I love Jesus, but I cuss a little."

Because life is sometimes a struggle, and matters of identity and purpose are some of the weightiest of questions. I'll leave you with Avery's concluding remarks from her interview with the Facing Project:

When it comes to accepting yourself, you do go through a period of denial. Then you struggle–and that can last for a while. But then you accept. It’s then that you can go through this period of realizing that everything comes together. You realize, “this is who I am.” There is a subtle difference between denial and acceptance; I think you do both. And so does everyone else. We all are fighting some kind of internal or external struggle, sometimes daily. Ultimately, we all embrace that mystery we don’t understand.

So keep up the struggle; don’t lose hope.

In our next post, there are more insights to share! Specifically, we will unpack some ramifications for allies! Stay tuned.