8. Allies focus their influence on others like them.
Jamie Utt points out, "As a person who benefits every single day from White privilege, it is not my place to engage People of Color in a discussion about what is or is not racist. That’s not solidarity."
As a straight person, it is not your job to convince LGBT+ what is or isn't offensive. However, straight, cisgender people can play a unique role in the ally discussion: namely, talking to other straight, cisgender people!
Jamie says is best, "Beyond listening, arguably the most important thing that I can do to act in solidarity is to engage those who share my identity.
As a man, I have a specific responsibility to engage men in building a more positive masculinity and standing up to misogyny and sexism.
As a White person, I have a responsibility to stand up to racism and work to bring White people into the anti-racist conversation in a way that they can hear and access.
As an able-bodied person, I have a responsibility to call out examples of everyday ableism."
9. Allies apologize, act accountably, and change.
“If you choose to do social justice work, you are going to screw up – a lot. Be prepared for that. And when you screw up, be prepared to listen to those who you hurt, apologize with honesty and integrity, work hard to be accountable to them, and make sure you act differently going forward.”
When you inadvertently cause offense or act/speak inappropriately, it is not enough to simply listen.
First, you must avoid telling the other person they are not offended or wrong to be offended. It doesn't work that way.
Second, above and beyond listening, a sincere apology is the first step in setting things right.
Notice I said first step. An apology itself if not enough. You are accountable to those around you. You have a responsibility to work at acting differently in the future.
10. Finally, allies never monopolize emotional energy.
One of the biggest mistakes we can make as allies is to tax the emotional energy of those people we are trying to ally with. We should not expect energy from those we claim to be supporting.
Yes, you may need to process your feelings of guilt and shame from mistakes you've made in the past. Process that with another ally; do not dump your feelings of guilt onto your LGBT+ friend. You cannot simultaneously be their ally and treat them as your personal therapist.
Maybe you want to feel the relief of being forgiven or accepted by the LGBT+ community. That need you are feeling is real, but it is not the responsibility of LGBT+ people to assuage your conscience, or help you process your need for validation, or allow you to cry on their shoulder.
Allies need support, too. Allies need safe spaces to process their emotions and share about their learning curve. But these things must happen apart from relationships with LGBT+ people. You cannot wander into someone's life and say, "I am here to support you... but I also need you to carry me."
Here's the thing: people who are experiencing discrimination and marginalization are exhausted. If you are contributing to their exhaustion by piling your emotional baggage on their shoulders, you are not being an ally, you are being a drain.
Seek the emotional support you need, but do not siphon it from the souls of those you'd like to support.
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