Ally? Get Over Yourself, Part 3

The rocketing conclusion! Over the past few weeks, we have been studying Ten Things an Ally Should Know, as inspired by a piece by Jamie Utt. Here are the final thoughts in this series. If you missed the first two parts, you can click here for numbers 1-4 in the series and numbers 5-7.

8. Allies focus their influence on others like them.

Jamie Utt points out, "As a person who benefits every single day from White privilege, it is not my place to engage People of Color in a discussion about what is or is not racist. That’s not solidarity."

As a straight person, it is not your job to convince LGBT+ what is or isn't offensive. However, straight, cisgender people can play a unique role in the ally discussion: namely, talking to other straight, cisgender people!

Jamie says is best, "Beyond listening, arguably the most important thing that I can do to act in solidarity is to engage those who share my identity.

As a man, I have a specific responsibility to engage men in building a more positive masculinity and standing up to misogyny and sexism.

As a White person, I have a responsibility to stand up to racism and work to bring White people into the anti-racist conversation in a way that they can hear and access.

As an able-bodied person, I have a responsibility to call out examples of everyday ableism."

 

9. Allies apologize, act accountably, and change.

“If you choose to do social justice work, you are going to screw up – a lot. Be prepared for that. And when you screw up, be prepared to listen to those who you hurt, apologize with honesty and integrity, work hard to be accountable to them, and make sure you act differently going forward.”

When you inadvertently cause offense or act/speak inappropriately, it is not enough to simply listen.

First, you must avoid telling the other person they are not offended or wrong to be offended. It doesn't work that way.

Second, above and beyond listening, a sincere apology is the first step in setting things right.

Notice I said first step. An apology itself if not enough. You are accountable to those around you. You have a responsibility to work at acting differently in the future.

10. Finally, allies never monopolize emotional energy.

One of the biggest mistakes we can make as allies is to tax the emotional energy of  those people we are trying to ally with. We should not expect energy from those we claim to be supporting.

Yes, you may need to process your feelings of guilt and shame from mistakes you've made in the past. Process that with another ally; do not dump your feelings of guilt onto your LGBT+ friend. You cannot simultaneously be their ally and treat them as your personal therapist.

Maybe you want to feel the relief of being forgiven or accepted by the LGBT+ community. That need you are feeling is real, but it is not the responsibility of LGBT+ people to assuage your conscience, or help you process your need for validation, or allow you to cry on their shoulder.

Allies need support, too. Allies need safe spaces to process their emotions and share about their learning curve. But these things must happen apart from relationships with LGBT+ people. You cannot wander into someone's life and say, "I am here to support you... but I also need you to carry me."

Here's the thing: people who are experiencing discrimination and marginalization are exhausted. If you are contributing to their exhaustion by piling your emotional baggage on their shoulders, you are not being an ally, you are being a drain.

Seek the emotional support you need, but do not siphon it from the souls of those you'd like to support.

Ally? Get Over Yourself, Part 2

Here we continue our examination of Ten Things an Ally Should Know, as inspired by a piece by Jamie Utt. For numbers 1-4, click here.

5. Allies constantly educate themselves.

It is not good to have zeal without knowledge (the Bible said that). If you want to be an ally, you don't have to be an expert on every topic, but you should have some idea what you are talking about. If your learning is portrayed on a graph, the line should be climbing upward.

You should be learning about the issues facing the people you have allied yourself with, the history of their struggle, and the varying perspectives within the people group. There are a wealth of opportunities to learn, including books, articles, websites, organizations, and people.

Quick note: do NOT expect the people you are allied with to train you. Yes, by building relationships, you will learn a lot from friends and colleagues. But ultimately, it is not their responsibility to teach you everything you need to know. Don't arrive on the scene totally clueless and then lean on others to fill you in. Take the initiative and do your homework. Of course, absorb the wisdom and knowledge of LGBT+ people when they choose to share with you, but don't expect them to tutor you in matters you could have Googled.

6. Allies cannot isolate themselves.

It is easy to be an ally on Facebook or Twitter. Theoretically, you could post supportive messages and express your viewpoints online without even having a single LGBT+ friend. You could proclaim yourself to be an ally of a people group you never interact with.

But this type of dynamic lacks accountability. Aside from the complete lack of feedback, this sort of arrangement leaves you vulnerable to a disconnected and incomplete view of the world.

Don't get me wrong. This does not mean you should run out and make friends with a "token gay person." This is not about propping up your ego through connection to someone else, and we must be careful not to create a paternalistic dynamic or savior complex.

Rather than being an ally in isolation, seek meaningful relationships with LGBT+ people. A vibrant and diverse community will offer valuable perspectives, insights from a range of experiences, and the accountability of a well-rounded community. 

7. Allies do not need to be in the spotlight.

"Fear not, people! I'm here! An ally is in the room! Everything is going to be alright!"

We need allies. They play an important role in bringing about equality for all people. But, you should never be an ally for the sake of amplifying your own voice, promoting your own work, or putting yourself on a platform.

Your goal should be to truly support the community you are allying yourself with, not to make a name for yourself.

It's true that there may be times when you are put at the forefront of a conversation as an ally. Your privilege or position in the community may cause others to hand you the microphone from time to time. In those instances, it may be appropriate to speak as an ally, but ultimately, it is ideal for an ally to use such opportunities to turn the spotlight onto those who are being overlooked, ignored, and marginalized.

More to come in the next, and final, post...

Ally? Get Over Yourself

I stumbled across a very helpful blog post by Jamie Utt from Everyday Feminism several years ago, outlining Ten Things an Ally Should Know.

Jamie points out that the ideas in this piece come from the combined insights "of the People of Color, Queer-identified people, women, differently-abled people, poor folks, Jewish people, Muslim people, Atheists, undocumented citizens, and others... Because part of being an ally means giving credit where credit is due and never taking credit for the anti-oppressive thinking, writing, theorizing, and action of the marginalized and oppressed."

If I were to paraphrase the sentiment behind these ten points, I would say, "Ally, get over yourself! It's not about you!"

Over the next few posts, indebted to the author of the original piece and the chorus of voices they drew from, I will summarize the ideas from the Everyday Feminism post.

Ten Things an Ally Should Know

1) Being an ally is about listening.

Shut up and listen! Of course, every person has wisdom and experience to share based on their background, culture, experience, and perspective, including allies. But, when it comes to the experience of LGBT+ people, the ally in the room should not dominate the conversation. Allies should not arrive on the scene and begin lecturing others or giving all the answers. To coin a phrase, don't ally-splain.

It is important to listen to as many voices as possible. You cannot ally yourself with a person and simultaneously disregard their voice.

Keep in mind, though, that a diversity of voices is needed to round out your perspective. Just because one gay man offers an opinion to you, it does not mean that every other LGBT+ person feels the same way. Always be listening.

2) Ally is not a noun.

Being an ally is not a status. This is not about titles, labels, or credentials you can name for yourself. You can't just flash your ally card as if you've been carded in a liquor store. This is about your words, your thoughts, and your actions.

Consider this quote from Mia McKenzie:

“’Currently operating in solidarity with’ is undeniably an action. It describes what a person is doing in the moment. It does not give credit for past acts of solidarity without regard for current behavior. It does not assume future acts of solidarity. It speaks only to the actions of the present.”

3) Ally is not a self-proclaimed identity.

You don't get to just decide, "I'm an ally now." Yes, your intentions count for something. It is admirable that you want to be an ally. You can strive for solidarity through your words and actions, but keep in mind that others will need to trust you as an ally on their own terms and in their own time.

In other words, being an ally has two components:
- Your intentions, words, and actions as you strive to be an ally
- The trust of LGBT+ people as they recognize your consistent ally behavior

"Trust me, I consider myself an ally," is not enough to cut it.

4) Allies don't take breaks.

Those who are oppressed, marginalized, or ignored do not get to take a break. If you want to be an ally you don't get to retreat into your privilege whenever it becomes convenient.

Part of recognizing your privilege is acknowledging that you get to choose whether or not you're going to engage or resist oppression. Those who are marginalized do not get to choose. Take care of yourself and rest when you need it, but keep in mind that retreating into ease and comfort at every turn is not acting in solidarity, especially when you disengage in critical times of need.

More insights to come in the following post...