Gay Christmas

Singer-Songwriter Tom Goss released a music video this year, hoping to capture the experience of LGBTQ people for whom the holidays are not very joyful.

For many LGBTQ people, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years, and other festive occasions are times of isolation, loneliness, grief, pain, and anger. Some of us in privileged positions like to think that everyone enjoys peace and comfort in the company of loved ones during the holiday season, but for many people this is not the case.

In writing his song, "Gay Christmas," Tom tapped into his own personal experience, hoping that his personal journey (being gay around the holidays) will speak to others in the LGBTQ community who have experienced similar hardships. Although the word "gay" is in the title, the message of the song resonates with people across the spectrum community.

“Gay Christmas,” Goss explained, is for those people “who have felt like an outsider on what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year.”

Tom is originally from Wisconsin, but he now lives with his husband in LA. This year, he made the decision not to go home for the holidays. This song is about that decision.

In an email to the Huffington Post, Tom said, “Too many of us have had to learn to accept less from our families when it comes to fully embracing us for who we are."

Especially in light of the current political climate, many LGBTQ people face the task of navigating dicey political conversations, insensitive comments, and blunt, unkind opinions. Tom cites as an example the patently discriminatory platform of the current presidential administration, which sought to ban transgender people from serving in the military, among other overt practices of discrimination.

“Yet we are expected to be the ones to forgive, to ‘move on’ and pretend everything is okay,” he said, “even as the current administration and GOP keep supporting anti-gay politicians and policies.”

As allies, one of the best things we can do is simply listen. Watch "Gay Christmas," in the video below (or click here to be redirected to Youtube). Don't get defensive... just listen. Try to put yourself in his shoes (this exercise will be easier for some of you than others).

Please remember, the holidays are not joyful for everyone. This season, do whatever you can to extend a kind word... a generous deed... an affirmation... a warm greeting... a thoughtful gift... a seat in front of the fire. Peace on earth, goodwill toward humankind. All humankind.

Revisiting Avery's Story: Implications for Allies

I recently had an opportunity to sit down with Avery Sledge for conversation and coffee. My last post, which you can read by clicking here, shared a bit of Avery's story as well as some insights about her journey as a community leader, minister, and teacher who happens to be a transgender person. 

Throughout the course of my conversation with Avery, certain insights also came to light which might be helpful for an emerging ally.

Based on my conversation with Avery, here are the top 5 Implications for Allies!

1) We all must check our preconceptions and assumptions.

At this point in history, we still live in a binary society. This means that the prevailing "majority culture" holds various associations when it comes to gender roles and gender "norms." In other words, there are lingering in our consciousness certain beliefs and assumptions about "things that men do" and "things that women do."

Avery noted that people are often treated differently when they do not conform to the prevailing notions of appropriate gender roles. When a person does not fit into the assumed norm, or when a person does not fall neatly into one of the preconceived categories we've created, there is often tension. This is often rooted in the incongruity between the observer's assumed understanding of gender roles and the actual reality of a living breathing person before their eyes.

One example of this disconnect between assumptions and reality comes each time Avery visits a hardware store. Avery has a great deal of mastery when it comes to plumbing, electrical work, and other household maintenance tasks, having worked in hardware for eight years, and yet when she walks around a hardware store, she notices a difference in the way people interact with her.

"My brain is the same brain. I still have all the same talents and experiences. But there is often an assumption that there has been an IQ drop. People assume helplessness, a lack of knowledge. It's as if they are asking, why would this lady want to walk around the hardware store?"

Spoken or unspoken, there are various assumptions in our culture about normalcy. One of the initial steps in coming to know people as they are, is ridding ourselves of these assumptions, or at the very least, questioning them with fierce scrutiny. Just because I find something to be normal or abnormal, does that make it so?

After all, as Avery reminded me, "Normal is just a setting on the clothes dryer."

2) Curiosity is natural and questions are welcome... but questions must be respectful.

It is acceptable to listen and learn from people with different life experiences, and Avery strives to create safe spaces where people can freely ask questions. In fact, Avery frequently plays a role in organizing forums, panel discussions, and lectures to educate others and foster dialogue.

However, this does not mean that potential allies should be careless in the way they engage. It is possible to be insulting and hurtful when asking questions. If our attitude is one of scrutiny and judgment, this will come through in our questions. The intent behind our questions should be to learn and to get to know a person better, not to steer others toward an opinion we already hold. Questions which are meant to disparage or cast doubt are not appropriate.

If someone has taken the tremendous risk of opening themselves up and becoming vulnerable, honor them by listening to their story. This is not a time for you to challenge them or ask accusatory questions.

You may find that your questions are rooted in ignorance. Perhaps you will be hurtful without realizing it. Your terminology may be unhelpful, but only because you lack the vocabulary necessary in that moment. This is okay. Do not be intimidated by your current lack of knowledge. Instead, be humble and posture yourself as a learner. By entering dialogue as a learner, you stand to gain much.

Similarly, do not forget politeness. Just because you are curious about something specific, it does not mean the topic is appropriate. Steer away from questions rooted in lurid curiosity, such as “How do you go to the bathroom?” or “Tell me about your genitalia.” You typically would not ask those questions in polite company... why would that be any different now?

Allies have a responsibility to stop and think about the tone and attitude they are presenting when asking questions. As we learn and grow, we will all make mistakes, and sometimes we will inadvertently be disrespectful. In those moments, we have a duty to listen carefully, apologize sincerely, and make necessary changes going forward.

3) Allies should learn from the stories of LGBTQ+ people, but they should not take ownership of stories that are not their own. 

Simply put, do not presume to speak on others behalf. When someone shares their story with you, do not assume that you have permission to share this story with others.

Whenever possible, allow others to share their experience in their own words. Someone's story is not something for you to appropriate, it is not a resource to be tapped. You can tell your own story with an intimacy no one else will ever have; do not rob others of this sacredness.

Whenever possible, allies should use their voices to amplify the voices of those who are being ignored or overlooked, without seeking the spotlight themselves. You may have the best intentions in your desire to share what you are learning, but do not overstep your bounds.

First, do not assume that someone wants their story to be widely shared. Just because they confided in you does not mean they want their story made public.

Second, do not assume that you are suited to fully capture the experience and perspectives of others in a way that is even remotely adequate. They are uniquely suited to share their own story, do not assume you have the authority to speak for them. Never talk ABOUT people when you can talk WITH people.

Avery practices this herself. Whenever she is asked to speak on behalf of LGBT+ people, she is careful to consider the voices of gay, lesbian, and bisexual people and include them whenever possible, so not to speak on behalf of a group that she herself is not a part of. L and B and G and T are often lumped together as a single category, but each letter represents a distinctive community. She is very clear that she can’t speak for every transgender person, for each person’s experience is unique. Avery is always cautious to clarify which community she is part of and to avoid speaking authoritatively on behalf of others whose experience differs from her own.

4) Allies offering support or resources should be doing so in an open-ended way, not with an ulterior motive or desired outcome in mind.

“When I was growing up, counseling was a threat.”

Avery shared with me about the type of counseling she saw being offered when she was growing up. In many cases, these services were not being offered in an open-ended way to honor the needs of the recipient, but to instead bolster the strength of someone else's desires.

In this approach, counseling was used not to meet people where they were and help them process what was going on in their lives. Instead, this "help" was designed to drive others toward a predetermined outcome. Some people try to talk others out of their identity, or raise questions about a person’s conclusions, or say hurtful things about alleged causalities and “reasons why” a person is the way they are. These approaches are not helpful.

Your first step as an ally is NOT to assume that the person you are talking to needs help. Them confiding in you about some aspect of their identity does not automatically mean they are facing a crisis, and it certainly does not mean there is something in the person you must work to change.

When those times come that a person needs some resources, such as counseling or other types of support, you should help them seek out safe, reliable, trustworthy providers who will offer guidance and counseling in an honest and non-manipulative way. There should be no ulterior motives.

Avery noted that science is increasingly showing medical, psychological, spiritual, emotional, and relational factors which must be considered in the care and well-being of transgender people. By the way, "psychological considerations" do not include an assumption that transgender identity is a disorder or treating a person as if they are deficient; it simply means to care for a person's mental health as well. 

5) Allies must respond to discrimination.

It's is simple as this: if you do nothing in the face of discrimination, you have sided with the oppressor. Constantly ask yourself, "Is my neighbor being mistreated? How can I help put an end to that?"

Check yourself to see if you are contributing to the negative experience of others. Seek to eliminate any personal actions that might harm others. Seek to use honoring language at all times. Avoid hurtful jokes and stereotypes. Go out of your way to befriend someone who is different than you.

For many people, this begins by simply acknowledging that discrimination exists. I cannot say it any better than Avery said it herself, in her conversation with the Facing Project:

Some are in denial. “We don’t need laws to protect against sexual orientation or gender identity discrimination because the police can’t tell you of any issues of hate crime…” they say. But there are still stories of intolerance that happen in subtle, benign ways…We have to make it clear that Springfield does not discriminate, in particular against the LGBTQ community. And by nondiscrimination, I mean we all subtly discriminate against the poor, we subtly discriminate against black people, we subtly discriminate against people of other religions, like Islamic folk….whether we want to or not, it’s because we are currently a dominant white, Protestant culture. That doesn’t just go for us, it happens everywhere. It’s a privilege we don’t want to give up. When push comes to shove, we retreat into our own, innate fears, innate grounding, or the way we were taught. And we all have that internal struggle on some level, if we’re honest with ourselves.

May we all seek justice, equity, and acceptance for all people in our sphere of influence, fostering an environment of perpetual learning and growing.

Thank you, Avery Sledge, for taking the time to help us learn and grow!

I Love Jesus, but I Cuss a Little: Avery's Story

I recently had an opportunity to sit down for coffee and conversation with Avery Sledge, Pastor of Highlands United Church of Christ. I'll be writing two blog posts based on my recent interactions with Avery. Here, in this first post, I will share a bit about her story. In the next post, I will share a few implications and insights for allies.

“How do we know who we are? It’s that big mystery in life; an enigma. It took many years for me to sort this out. I’ll start with this: I am a transgender person. I’m also a United Church of Christ Pastor.”

With those words, Avery began her conversation with the Facing Project, a group which seeks to connect people through story. The goal of the Facing Project is to strengthen communities by providing a platform for talented storytellers to share their life experience, in this case, specifically members of the LGBTQ+ community. Avery was a natural fit for this project, because she has been sharing her story for the benefit of others for many years. (Click here to read Avery's story in her own words.)

Avery is a sought-after speaker and teacher, frequently educating others at colleges and universities, community forums, churches, and public events. Avery currently serves as the pastor of Highlands United Church of Christ. Avery does not accept speaking invitations in order to gain the spotlight. In fact, she identifies as an introvert. But whenever there is an opportunity to engage in dialogue, she jumps at the chance, because she has been called into a life of service and ministry to others. As a pastor and teacher, Avery is uniquely suited to help others challenge their own assumptions, question their stereotypes, and begin to see others with new eyes.

For this reason, Avery actively seeks out forums where people can freely ask questions in a safe environment. People are often confused, frightened, and uncertain when they meet someone who comes from a different background than their own. The only way we can ever move forward, Avery notes, is to begin listening to one another with open minds and open hearts.

Avery welcomes questions, so long as they are kind, sincere, and not rooted in accusatory language or lurid curiosity. In other words, people should feel free to ask questions to clarify their uncertainty, but it is also prudent to be respectful.

One such question in the past was, "When did you first realize you were a female?" This question was asked by a well-intentioned friend who was genuinely curious about Avery's story. With the gentle correction that can only happen in the context of a close relationship, Avery responded to the man who asked her, "Well, when did you realize you were a male?"

Avery first knew of her gender difference when she was five years old. At such a young age, she did not have the words to name it yet, but she became aware that she was experiencing something unfamiliar to many of her peers.

Based on this realization, Avery found herself living a dual life for many years. She had one life that was public, conforming to the expectations of her school, her neighborhood, and her conservative church community. And, she had a second life which she knew to be true, internally. 

As she grew up, she did all the things society showed her she was supposed to do. She went to school, got married, and had two children. She served in the Air Force and became active in the United Methodist Church, where she was already a member. But all along, she wrestled with feeling different. After retiring from the Air Force as a colonel, Avery officially confirmed her gender.

In the midst of all this internal conflict, something else began to tug on Avery's heart. It became clear that God was calling her into ministry. Although Avery is now a gifted and talented minister, this development was a difficult one for her at the time.

Avery shared, "And so, when I finally got the call to enter the ministry, it was almost like we– God and I– were arguing about this summon. I initially offered up many reasons as to why I should not enter into the ministry. Among them, I said that I was a transgender person and the United Methodist church had never ordained a transgender person before. It was then God said, 'I’m not calling you to be just a United Methodist pastor. I’m calling you to be a pastor for my people,' which is a totally different call."

There is no rule book for this, Avery pointed out in our conversation. She spent many hours in prayer, wrestling with her identity and calling. In a sense, she was asking, "God, why are you doing this to me?" This long and painful struggle, which Avery sometimes refers to as a dark night of the soul, stretched over many years and took many iterations. There was the process of coming to terms with her identity as a child. Then, years later, there was the process of talking with her spouse about her conflicted feelings about her own gender identity. And, there was this new process, in which it was becoming clear that God was leading her down a path toward a life of ministry.

Avery speaking on City Hall Plaza in Springfield, in support of immigrants and minority communities.

"I never planned to be an activist of any kind, but God has this marvelous way of leading us where we did not intend to go."

Even now, Avery continues to follow this path, even when the course looks uncertain.

Sometimes, people ask Avery, "How do you reconcile your faith with these aspects of your story?" Whenever she is able, Avery reminds people that we all have many identities - father, son, mother, sister, parent, clergy person. God's design for us includes a broad spectrum of experiences, opportunities, and responsibilities for stewardship. The depth and breadth of God's plan for us is unfathomable... a massive canvas to be filled... a vast space to be explored.

"In the natural world," Avery tells her students, "There are many species that change gender. For example, male sea horses nurse their young. How could a God who created such marvelous diversity in the animal kingdom choose to work with one hand tied behind one's back in the realm of the human experience?"

This is not just a hypothetical example. Besides philosophical and theological reflections, Avery also digs deep into scientific research. She often shares with medical students at a local college, pointing out recent studies which demonstrate ongoing and increasing medical, biological, and psychological evidence that transgender identity is not "something people do." (By the way, at the mention of the word psychological, Avery is always quick to point out that this does not mean transgender identity is a disorder. Quite the contrary: the DSM removed Gender Identity Disorder from its pages in recognition of real and valid life experiences of numerous individuals.)

And so, Avery Sledge continues to minister, educate, and engage in conversation. She has not arrived at the pinnacle of knowledge and experience, but as a sojourner on the road, she has gathered many insights to share. If you're looking for a pristine, perfect, and saintly figure, Avery warns you to check your expectations. We are all on a journey, and even the Saints of the Christian tradition we fully human. This is why Avery wore a t-shirt to the morning church service on All Saints Day with the following message:

"I love Jesus, but I cuss a little."

Because life is sometimes a struggle, and matters of identity and purpose are some of the weightiest of questions. I'll leave you with Avery's concluding remarks from her interview with the Facing Project:

When it comes to accepting yourself, you do go through a period of denial. Then you struggle–and that can last for a while. But then you accept. It’s then that you can go through this period of realizing that everything comes together. You realize, “this is who I am.” There is a subtle difference between denial and acceptance; I think you do both. And so does everyone else. We all are fighting some kind of internal or external struggle, sometimes daily. Ultimately, we all embrace that mystery we don’t understand.

So keep up the struggle; don’t lose hope.

In our next post, there are more insights to share! Specifically, we will unpack some ramifications for allies! Stay tuned.

Visiting Highlands United Church of Christ

Jesus did not reject people. Neither do we.

This was the message that greeted me on a sign outside Highlands United Church of Christ during a recent visit, and it perfectly sums up the warm and welcoming approach of this delightful congregation here in Springfield, OH.

My wife and I visited Highlands UCC as the congregation is in the midst of a major transition. Having visited before in the past, and personally knowing many of the people in the congregation, I was not at all surprised to be greeted warmly as soon as we arrived.

In the lobby of the church, just outside the sanctuary, we happened upon a display board which asked the question, "Have you been hurt by church?" Here is a picture of that display, which I found among some photos taken at Springfield Pride 2015.

Pastor Avery Sledge and volunteers from Highlands UCC

 The message here is humble and full of grace. There are many individuals and people groups to whom the church has done great harm. Whether it be the spiritual violence of messages which do not affirm the God-given dignity and worth of every person, or policies which deny full participation in the life and work of the church, there are many ways that Christians (sometimes well-meaning, sometimes not) have cause more harm than good.

From the outset, Highlands UCC seeks to bring peace and healing to those who have experienced hurt.

Pastor Avery Sledge delivered a challenging and encouraging sermon on the day of our visit. Avery's story is fascinating and inspiring.

Rev. Avery has done much to shepherd her congregation as they seek the Kingdom of God here in Springfield. She describes herself as a "walk the walk Child of God who happens to be Christian."  She has spoken and participated in Springfield at the PRIDE event, where Highlands UCC was represented. She also spoke at the Welcoming our Muslim Neighbors rally on a bitter cold February afternoon, and spoke at the ecumenical vigil for Lelah Alcorn on a cold January night at City Hall Plaza.  In the past, Avery has led mission teams to Appalachia (Red Bird Mission and Henderson Settlement) to be with families and help winterize their homes. Avery has washed the feet of homeless persons for Project Homeless Connect in Denver to help medical staff assess health issues in a non-threatening way. And Avery has been a chaplain at a Level I trauma hospital in Denver. Avery is a member of Equality Springfield and Dayton PFLAG, and has served at the St. Paul UMC soup kitchen in Dayton.

By the way, Rev. Avery Sledge is also a transgender person.

Avery's story has been featured in the Facing Project and other mediums. Click here to read Avery's story in her own words. We will be delving deeper into Avery's story in future blog posts!  Stay tuned.

Avery's leadership is the most recent in a long line of progressive and effective teachers and leaders heaven-bent on bringing peace and light into our community. Highlands is no stranger to acts of welcome.

Here is a picture of the banner which hangs near the main entrance of the church, and many other UCC congregations around the world:

Earlier this year, Highlands UCC experienced vandalism which specifically targeted their welcoming message. In the early morning hours on or around New Years Eve 2017, someone cut the banner down.

Pastor Avery Sledge, surveying the damage

This is not the first time the church has experienced vandalism or critical commentary from the community. The church has been targeted for criticism on many fronts, primarily because they faithfully insist on extending the Gospel message of Peace to each and every person. 

In spite of the naysayers, Highlands UCC has a long history of engaging in social justice issues in the community, and they have been a stable presence in action and conversation related to those who are alienated and marginalized... often by the Christian church at large. Take a look at this statement, which is a portion of the church's official history statement:

Highlands UCC became an Open and Affirming Congregation on January 13, 2013. Highlands has been represented at Indivisible Springfield Rallies, Springfield PRIDE, Springfield Culturefest, city council meetings concerning equal protections in employment and housing for LGBTQ persons, Springfield Soup kitchen, Vigils for LGBTQ folks who met with violence. Interfaith Hospitality, Rallies for our Muslim Neighbors, and support for the Open Hands Free Store.  In addition, Highlands has long valued a strong sense of fellowship through dinners, coffee hours, picnics and social events.  Highlands closes out 134 years of ministry in Springfield by leaving a legacy for other ministries within Springfield and the world to be strengthened. We leave this building to share God’s love in other places in the world.

You read that final portion correctly. Highlands UCC will be closing later this year. Their final service will take place at 3pm on November 19th. If you are available, please plan to attend to celebrate all the marvelous works that have been carried out in Springfield at the hands of Highlands UCC and those in their ever-widening circle of influence.

I am so grateful for the presence of Highlands UCC in Springfield. Their prophetic voice has left an unmistakable impression on our collective culture, and the lives and work of members of Highlands UCC have inspired me to elevate the conversation whenever possible, to extend welcome to all of my neighbors regardless of their background, and to be courageous in the face of criticism.

There is a lot of good to be found in our community, and Highlands has exemplified that good for over 100 years. Congratulations on the work you have done, Highlands UCC. Thank you for your influence. Well done, good and faithful servants.

Intersectionality: Why Does it Matter?

Photo Credit: Catherine Butler

Click here to see our first post about intersectionality. Today, we will unpack a few implications for an intersectional approach and talk about why such an approach might be important. 

1) An intersectional approach broadens the discussion. 

Some critics claim that intersectionality narrows the discussion by becoming fixated on identity politics. In reality, the more voices we can bring to the table, the broader our perspective will become. Seeking an intersectional approach welcomes us to look at issues through multiple lenses, not just our own.

Also, those who would criticize intersectionality for being too focused on identity politics miss the foundational concept here: we should not be critical of the voices who raise their perspectives, but should focus on listening, learning, and engaging in the critiques raised. Don't level criticism at the person raising the issue; level criticism at the one causing or contributing to the disparity.

2) An intersectional approach helps us to check our privilege, regardless of who we are.

"Privilege" is not an exercise in absolutes. It is not a matter of "That guy has privilege, that one does not." When it comes to examining privilege, there is a hierarchy involved. Intersectionality reminds us that, even if we are part of a people group that has historically experienced discrimination, we might still have privilege that others don't have.

For example, if LGBTQ advocacy is driven primarily by white, cis-gender, able-bodied gay men, it is possible for the movement to fall out of balance. Yes, the group is composed of people who face discrimination, but there is still some level of privilege in relation to, say, Asian LGBTQ people, or LGBTQ people of color.

An intersectional approach helps us remember to check any privilege we might have and use that privilege, no matter how negligible, to create a platform for those who are more susceptible to discrimination than we are.

3) An intersectional approach helps bring visibility to those who are invisible.

The fact of the matter is, people who are in the minority are often ignored, disregarded, or disproportionately represented. An intersectional approach is an exercise in seeking out those who are not being seen and heard.

It is the exercise of asking, "Who in our community are we leaving out? Are there nuances we are missing, insights to be gained? Are there others whose cause overlaps with our own who we might include?"

This raises the visibility of minority groups within our own circles, but it also draws attention from leaders and policymakers. If we make it our business to seek out the most widely ignored, most frequently disregarded people group in our midst, and if we make that people group a prominent partner in our advocacy, we do a service to them and to us.

4) An intersectional approach ensures that no one gets left behind.

It is possible to make great gains for one people group while leaving the experience of other groups unchanged. Worse, it is possible to make gains for one people group at the expense of or to the detriment of others.

For example, a society could see great gains for African American people in the area of voting rights while Hispanic people face greater scrutiny or more overt discrimination.

In the pursuit of civil rights, it is possible to inadvertently pit the cause of individual groups against one another. One might say, "I am only focused on broadening LGBTQ protections under the law, so I cannot contribute to anti-xenophobia efforts." Or, "I know this law will hurt trans people, but it will not hurt gay people."

There is something to be said about being focused and prioritizing individual contributions to local causes. Of course, as a single person we cannot be involved in every cause. But we must be careful not to send the signal that these efforts are in competition with one another. It is not a case of protecting LGBTQ people OR people of color; we must ultimately seek equality for all.

So, yes, it is acceptable and often necessary to focus our attentions on a specific cause or particular organization. But, we cannot allow ourselves to become insulated or isolated, and we must avoid the human tendency to view other groups as "competition." Instead of listing potential threats from other people groups, we must seek out potential points of commonality.

5) An intersectional approach postures us to be more effective through unity in the midst of diversity.Finally, one of the biggest benefits of an intersectional approach is that it opens up the door for collaboration, partnership, and resource sharing in exciting ways.

If a local LGBTQ advocacy group is composed only of white males, it is not only advocacy of others they lack. They lack the tremendous wealth of knowledge, talents, encouragement, and life to be had through partnership with people of color.

We cannot look at intersectionality as an endless process of self-criticism by which we keep kicking ourselves every time we discover we've left someone out. Instead, we must see this as an unending opportunity to expand our community. This is not an exclusive club where we grudgingly agree to let more people in over time; this is an ever-widening circle of supporters, growing in momentum and potential. We should not say, "Oh great, there is yet another group we must let in." We should say, "What new partners can we work with in unprecedented ways?"

Together is better, they say, and intersectionality as a mindset prepares us to unite meaningfully and effectively.

Intersectionality: What is it?

What is intersectionality?

Today we begin a short series of posts addressing the concept of intersectionality.

First, let's get our heads around the concept. (In the next post, we will look at some implications of this idea)

For our uses here on this blog, intersectionality is a social theory, a particular sensibility... it is a way of thinking about identity and its relationship to power.

There are two basic ideas captured by the concept of intersectionality: 
1) an individual can face discrimination based on more than one aspect of their identity, such as race, class, gender, and sexuality

2) these aspects of identity overlap with one another and are not easily separated

The term intersectionality was first coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw in her 1989 essay "Mapping the Margins: Intersectionality, Identity Politics, and Violence Against Women of Color." In her studies, Crenshaw drew attention to the plight of black women, who were experiencing discrimination on two fronts: sexism based on their gender, and prejudice based on their race.

Crenshaw drew attention to this overlap, calling it intersectionality. She also pointed out that the cause of black women was being overlooked and ignored by both the feminist movement of the time and the anti-racist movement. The cause of "equality for women" and the cause of "racial equality" were operating in separate silos, without any apparent connection.

This cartoon by Catherine Butler captures the concept well:

Discussions of intersectionality first began in reference to women of color, but the term has grown into broader usage as the same phenomena have been observed in relation to different people groups. 

Think about it like this: the more minority groups a person is part of, the more potential for discrimination they face. 

Picture by AChange is Coming

A Hispanic man may face racism because of his race, and xenophobia because he is an immigrant. A gay, Jewish man may face homophobia and discrimination due to his sexuality and also antisemitism because of his Jewishness.

In one of the most frightening examples of intersectional dynamics today, trans women of color face violence and discrimination at rates higher than any other group.

Trans women of color face:
1) Anti-trans prejudice
2) Misogyny and sexism
3) Racism
4) And, due to lack of understanding of trans issues, they may face homophobia too.

There are implications here. In addition to this hierarchy of power when it comes to identity, intersectional experiences often point out disparities in our systems.

Check out this example, from an article on Care2Cause

Often, the problems intersectional experiences reveal is not that individual people are overtly sexist or racist, but that the legal and policy mechanisms we have in place to deal with complaints like, for instance, an immigrant woman who doesn’t speak English trying to report her abusive husband, are stacked against people with a multiple minority identity by, for example, not having interpreters on hand, or not understanding enough about the woman’s particular cultural heritage to understand the best way to deal with her situation.

That, in a nutshell, defines the concept of intersectionality. More to come in subsequent posts. 

Lena Waithe, Thanksgiving, and Master of None

Last month, Lena Waithe became the first African-American woman to receive an Emmy nomination for comedy writing. Having seen the work which garnered this Emmy nod, I am very pleased and not at all surprised. 

Lena Waithe's historic nomination comes for her writing on an episode of Master of None. If you aren't familiar with the series, Master of None is a program on Netflix produced by and starring Aziz Ansari. Primarily, the show follows Dev (played by Ansari), a second-generation Indian immigrant, as he navigates life in New York City.

And, the show is hilarious. (Readers be advised, the show is rated MA for strong language and sexual themes).

Now in its second season, Master of None is no stranger to tackling social issues. Past episodes have covered topics such as religion, race, aging parents, and immigration. 

Episode 8 of season 2 is called "Thanksgiving." The episode tells the story of Denise, as she discovers and comes to grips with her sexuality. Lena Waithe co-wrote the script with Aziz Ansari, using her own life experiences coming out as a lesbian to frame the episode. Aside from writing the script, Lena also stars as Denise, a fictionalized version of herself.

Angela Bassett and Lena Waithe in "Thanksgiving"

This ingenious and powerful episode is told through the portrayal of five different Thanksgivings over the course of 22 years. In a series of scenes, spanning decades of her life, we see landmark moments from Denise's life, including her own personal realization that she is a lesbian, her revelation of this aspect of her identity to friends and family members, and bringing a girlfriend home for the holidays for the first time.

You should watch it. The episode stands alone, telling a story that is unconnected from the rest of the series, so it is possible to enjoy this one episode without committing to the entire series. At this time, Netflix streaming service is the only place to watch.

This recent piece from the LA Times explains:

Waithe wanted to highlight cultural expectations within the black community. Last year, the film “Moonlight” subverted ideas of black masculinity in its story of a young, gay black boy growing up in Florida. Waithe was offering a female perspective on what it means to be black and gay. In the episode, a young Denise opts to wear baggy jeans and a baseball cap instead of a dress.

“Girls get away with it for a while, actually,” Waithe says. “Because it is less taboo for a girl to be a tomboy than it is for a young man to be effeminate. “But that’s why I thought it was so important to show that,” she says, “but also show how a mom, a black mom especially of that generation was like, ‘No. Wear the dress. We’ll make it fit.’ There's that desire for appearances, but there’s not that much worry.” But when it confronts her, whether it’s me coming out or me bringing another girl home, she doesn’t like it too much.”

Guest star Angela Bassett portrays Denise's conservative mother in the episode, also receiving an Emmy nomination for her performance. Bassett was drawn to the role because of her respect for the show in general, but also because she saw the poignant and funny script as a way to generate conversation.

A young Dev and Denise take part in Thanksgiving in an early scene of the episode.

As she grows and learns about her own sexuality, Denise's story is compelling. Equally compelling is the story arc of the mother, as she comes to terms with her daughter's identity. When Bassett and Waithe are together on screen, there are moments of pure electricity.

Aside from the razor-sharp writing, the episode features some brilliant design work, capturing the look and feel of each time period represented. A Jennifer Aniston poster during the height of her Friends fame, discussions of Hilary from Fresh Prince, music videos on MTV, and fashion styles from the era all feature prominently in the episode. These specific references are also drawn directly from Lena's life story (she truly did have a crush on Jennifer Aniston, for example).

When I first watched the Thanksgiving episode with my wife earlier in 2017, I said to myself, "This better win a lot of awards." I was struck by the specificity of the episode. This is not a generic coming-out story (if there could ever be such a thing). This tells the intensely personal story of a young black lesbian woman.

In a joint interview with Aziz Ansari (a fun read, if you want to know how the episode came to be), Lena Waithe told Vulture:

I don’t think my story as a queer black woman is so crazy and random, but it’s very specific. Especially in my community there’s a lot of images in the media or social media about, “Oh, this is what a black lesbian is and what she looks like.” I thought the more specific we could be about it, the more interesting it could be. That’s also what Aziz gravitates toward. He’s like, “How specific can we get?” We felt like it didn’t look like anything I’d seen on TV before, and that’s our litmus test. Have we seen this before? What’s the most honest way to tell this story?

The beauty of telling such a personal story is that it provides a way to address various aspects of the characters' personhood. Intersectionality is a word that might be used for stories that touch many different areas of a person's identity. Aside from telling the story of a young lesbian coming out, the episode tells the story of a black family. We see scenes in which the family discusses OJ Simpson around the dinner table, as well as the case of Sandra Bland. 

The episode packs an emotional punch, deftly handling important and heavy topics. And, the episode is hilarious. A devious Dev, insisting on poking fun at Denise's new girlfriend, and conversations with an outspoken Aunt alongside a blunt grandmother stand out as funny moments.

Watch it, if you are able. And keep an eye out for Lena Waithe. She writes and performs for various shows, and recently wrapped up filming on the upcoming Steven Speilberg film Ready Player One.

Ally? Get Over Yourself, Part 3

The rocketing conclusion! Over the past few weeks, we have been studying Ten Things an Ally Should Know, as inspired by a piece by Jamie Utt. Here are the final thoughts in this series. If you missed the first two parts, you can click here for numbers 1-4 in the series and numbers 5-7.

8. Allies focus their influence on others like them.

Jamie Utt points out, "As a person who benefits every single day from White privilege, it is not my place to engage People of Color in a discussion about what is or is not racist. That’s not solidarity."

As a straight person, it is not your job to convince LGBT+ what is or isn't offensive. However, straight, cisgender people can play a unique role in the ally discussion: namely, talking to other straight, cisgender people!

Jamie says is best, "Beyond listening, arguably the most important thing that I can do to act in solidarity is to engage those who share my identity.

As a man, I have a specific responsibility to engage men in building a more positive masculinity and standing up to misogyny and sexism.

As a White person, I have a responsibility to stand up to racism and work to bring White people into the anti-racist conversation in a way that they can hear and access.

As an able-bodied person, I have a responsibility to call out examples of everyday ableism."

 

9. Allies apologize, act accountably, and change.

“If you choose to do social justice work, you are going to screw up – a lot. Be prepared for that. And when you screw up, be prepared to listen to those who you hurt, apologize with honesty and integrity, work hard to be accountable to them, and make sure you act differently going forward.”

When you inadvertently cause offense or act/speak inappropriately, it is not enough to simply listen.

First, you must avoid telling the other person they are not offended or wrong to be offended. It doesn't work that way.

Second, above and beyond listening, a sincere apology is the first step in setting things right.

Notice I said first step. An apology itself if not enough. You are accountable to those around you. You have a responsibility to work at acting differently in the future.

10. Finally, allies never monopolize emotional energy.

One of the biggest mistakes we can make as allies is to tax the emotional energy of  those people we are trying to ally with. We should not expect energy from those we claim to be supporting.

Yes, you may need to process your feelings of guilt and shame from mistakes you've made in the past. Process that with another ally; do not dump your feelings of guilt onto your LGBT+ friend. You cannot simultaneously be their ally and treat them as your personal therapist.

Maybe you want to feel the relief of being forgiven or accepted by the LGBT+ community. That need you are feeling is real, but it is not the responsibility of LGBT+ people to assuage your conscience, or help you process your need for validation, or allow you to cry on their shoulder.

Allies need support, too. Allies need safe spaces to process their emotions and share about their learning curve. But these things must happen apart from relationships with LGBT+ people. You cannot wander into someone's life and say, "I am here to support you... but I also need you to carry me."

Here's the thing: people who are experiencing discrimination and marginalization are exhausted. If you are contributing to their exhaustion by piling your emotional baggage on their shoulders, you are not being an ally, you are being a drain.

Seek the emotional support you need, but do not siphon it from the souls of those you'd like to support.

Ally? Get Over Yourself, Part 2

Here we continue our examination of Ten Things an Ally Should Know, as inspired by a piece by Jamie Utt. For numbers 1-4, click here.

5. Allies constantly educate themselves.

It is not good to have zeal without knowledge (the Bible said that). If you want to be an ally, you don't have to be an expert on every topic, but you should have some idea what you are talking about. If your learning is portrayed on a graph, the line should be climbing upward.

You should be learning about the issues facing the people you have allied yourself with, the history of their struggle, and the varying perspectives within the people group. There are a wealth of opportunities to learn, including books, articles, websites, organizations, and people.

Quick note: do NOT expect the people you are allied with to train you. Yes, by building relationships, you will learn a lot from friends and colleagues. But ultimately, it is not their responsibility to teach you everything you need to know. Don't arrive on the scene totally clueless and then lean on others to fill you in. Take the initiative and do your homework. Of course, absorb the wisdom and knowledge of LGBT+ people when they choose to share with you, but don't expect them to tutor you in matters you could have Googled.

6. Allies cannot isolate themselves.

It is easy to be an ally on Facebook or Twitter. Theoretically, you could post supportive messages and express your viewpoints online without even having a single LGBT+ friend. You could proclaim yourself to be an ally of a people group you never interact with.

But this type of dynamic lacks accountability. Aside from the complete lack of feedback, this sort of arrangement leaves you vulnerable to a disconnected and incomplete view of the world.

Don't get me wrong. This does not mean you should run out and make friends with a "token gay person." This is not about propping up your ego through connection to someone else, and we must be careful not to create a paternalistic dynamic or savior complex.

Rather than being an ally in isolation, seek meaningful relationships with LGBT+ people. A vibrant and diverse community will offer valuable perspectives, insights from a range of experiences, and the accountability of a well-rounded community. 

7. Allies do not need to be in the spotlight.

"Fear not, people! I'm here! An ally is in the room! Everything is going to be alright!"

We need allies. They play an important role in bringing about equality for all people. But, you should never be an ally for the sake of amplifying your own voice, promoting your own work, or putting yourself on a platform.

Your goal should be to truly support the community you are allying yourself with, not to make a name for yourself.

It's true that there may be times when you are put at the forefront of a conversation as an ally. Your privilege or position in the community may cause others to hand you the microphone from time to time. In those instances, it may be appropriate to speak as an ally, but ultimately, it is ideal for an ally to use such opportunities to turn the spotlight onto those who are being overlooked, ignored, and marginalized.

More to come in the next, and final, post...

Ally? Get Over Yourself

I stumbled across a very helpful blog post by Jamie Utt from Everyday Feminism several years ago, outlining Ten Things an Ally Should Know.

Jamie points out that the ideas in this piece come from the combined insights "of the People of Color, Queer-identified people, women, differently-abled people, poor folks, Jewish people, Muslim people, Atheists, undocumented citizens, and others... Because part of being an ally means giving credit where credit is due and never taking credit for the anti-oppressive thinking, writing, theorizing, and action of the marginalized and oppressed."

If I were to paraphrase the sentiment behind these ten points, I would say, "Ally, get over yourself! It's not about you!"

Over the next few posts, indebted to the author of the original piece and the chorus of voices they drew from, I will summarize the ideas from the Everyday Feminism post.

Ten Things an Ally Should Know

1) Being an ally is about listening.

Shut up and listen! Of course, every person has wisdom and experience to share based on their background, culture, experience, and perspective, including allies. But, when it comes to the experience of LGBT+ people, the ally in the room should not dominate the conversation. Allies should not arrive on the scene and begin lecturing others or giving all the answers. To coin a phrase, don't ally-splain.

It is important to listen to as many voices as possible. You cannot ally yourself with a person and simultaneously disregard their voice.

Keep in mind, though, that a diversity of voices is needed to round out your perspective. Just because one gay man offers an opinion to you, it does not mean that every other LGBT+ person feels the same way. Always be listening.

2) Ally is not a noun.

Being an ally is not a status. This is not about titles, labels, or credentials you can name for yourself. You can't just flash your ally card as if you've been carded in a liquor store. This is about your words, your thoughts, and your actions.

Consider this quote from Mia McKenzie:

“’Currently operating in solidarity with’ is undeniably an action. It describes what a person is doing in the moment. It does not give credit for past acts of solidarity without regard for current behavior. It does not assume future acts of solidarity. It speaks only to the actions of the present.”

3) Ally is not a self-proclaimed identity.

You don't get to just decide, "I'm an ally now." Yes, your intentions count for something. It is admirable that you want to be an ally. You can strive for solidarity through your words and actions, but keep in mind that others will need to trust you as an ally on their own terms and in their own time.

In other words, being an ally has two components:
- Your intentions, words, and actions as you strive to be an ally
- The trust of LGBT+ people as they recognize your consistent ally behavior

"Trust me, I consider myself an ally," is not enough to cut it.

4) Allies don't take breaks.

Those who are oppressed, marginalized, or ignored do not get to take a break. If you want to be an ally you don't get to retreat into your privilege whenever it becomes convenient.

Part of recognizing your privilege is acknowledging that you get to choose whether or not you're going to engage or resist oppression. Those who are marginalized do not get to choose. Take care of yourself and rest when you need it, but keep in mind that retreating into ease and comfort at every turn is not acting in solidarity, especially when you disengage in critical times of need.

More insights to come in the following post...