When Someone Comes Out to You, Part 1

"Coming out" is an important moment (and often, process) in the life of an LGBT+ person.

What does it mean to come out?

When someone comes out, it means they have decided to tell you they are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning, or other. Coming out means a person has decided to share an aspect of their personal life with others, namely their sexual orientation or gender identity. When someone comes out, they are letting you in on who they are as a person.

At some point, someone you know and love may come out to you. When that happens, how should you respond?

As an ally, or as someone in a trusted relationship with your friend or family member, it is important to note that your initial reaction to a person coming out is very important. Keep in mind, this person has probably spent a lot of time thinking about whether or not to tell you, and also when and how to tell you. You must honor them in the way you respond.

This is the first of a five-part series on what to do when someone comes out to you. In the coming posts, we will unpack some of the ways a helpful ally can respond when someone comes out. We'll talk about being supportive of LGBT+ people in general, and in a later post, we'll also look at some responses specific to transgender people. Then, we will outline some specific pitfalls to avoid.

There are some great tips on the way! Let's kick things off with a few suggestions related to your attitude.

Offer support, but don't assume they need help

You're a caring and compassionate person. It's possible that your first reaction will be to offer your support to the person who has opened up to you. That's a great impulse! But be careful not to assume you know about the person's situation.

Just because this person is opening up to you, it does not mean they are doing so because they need help. This person may be completely comfortable with their orientation and identity. They may not need help dealing with it and they may not need any support at the moment.

Maybe they are coming out to you just so you're aware, or maybe they are simply helping you get to know them better. Suppress the urge to leap into action with offers to help. 

It's always great to offer to be a supportive friend, but you don't want to send the signal, "You're gay? Oh, you poor thing! How can I help you?" If you're close with the person, they should already know you are there for them, and you'll have the relational framework to offer support lovingly. If you're not close to the person, don't insert yourself into the middle of their story without permission.

Offer to be supportive in any way you can, but don't insult the person by implying their helplessness.

Demonstrate acceptance

Use words and actions that show acceptance, not rejection. Don't make any assumptions about the person based on what they have shared with you. Allow them to share their story to the extent they are willing, and with their own timing.

Don't project your own perceptions of LGBT+ people onto your friend; allow them to be who they are without attaching your baggage to them. Don't resort to language that is hurtful, and don't allow stereotypes to color your perception of the person.

If you aren't sure what to say, it's okay to simply listen and express your admiration and love for the person in simple terms.

Appreciate their courage

You don't want to make assumptions about the person's need for help and support, but at the same time, you should recognize there is always risk associated with telling someone something personal. This is particularly true when it comes to matters of sexuality and identity. Realize that this person has been bold and vulnerable with you. Their bravery in sharing with you should be met with respect and gratitude.

Consider someone's willingness to come out to you as a sign of trust. Don't abuse their trust.

More to come! In the next installment, we'll talk about conversation and listening in relation to coming out.

* GLSEN has some great resources related to safe spaces for LGBT+ students. Many of my reflections in this blog series have been informed by their helpful perspective.

Church, Please!

Context is key. 

My Ally Road Trip has highlighted my effort to interact with local churches who have publicly expressed welcome to LGBTQ people.

I have a lot of friends in the Christian church and some of them are wondering, "Why wouldn't members of the LGBTQ community feel welcomed by the Christian church?"

For people who have never engaged this topic before, the question can be sincere. After all, many churches go out of their way to say, "All Are Welcome" or "Come as You Are." In fact, many Christians pride themselves on the warm and inviting atmosphere of their faith community.

So why would members of the LGBTQ community feel unwelcome at church?

(My LGBTQ friends who are reading this may need a moment to recover from the world's biggest facepalm after reading that question. But, remember, this blog is intended for people who are new to this concept! Baby steps, yo, baby steps.)

The Christian church has a long and well-documented history of doing harm to LGBTQ people. (I'd also argue that the Christian church has a long and well-documented history of radical love, reconciliation, and selfless service, but this does not erase the harm that has also been done.)

Instead of examining the depth and breadth of this history of harm, I intend to start very small. Let's provide a little context.

Let's narrow that question a little bit. Why would members of the LGBTQ community here in Springfield, OH feel unwelcome at church?

To answer that question, let's go back a few years to 2011.

The City of Springfield has an ordinance (a local law) which says it is illegal to discriminate against a person based on based on race, religion, ancestry, sex, national origin, age and disability.

You'll notice, this ordinance does not mention sexual orientation. In other words, if someone experiences discrimination because of their sexuality, this ordinance does not offer protection.

In order to broaden these discrimination protections, some citizens tried to add the words "sexual orientation" to the language of the ordinance.

When this change was suggested, a group of churches united to stand in opposition.

Twenty-one local churches joined together and wrote a letter, asking the City Commission to reject the addition of the words "sexual orientation" to the anti-discrimination ordinance. These twenty-one churches went on to claim that there had been no proven cases of discrimination based on sexual orientation in Springfield, thus rendering the change unnecessary.

Twenty-one churches! Think for a moment. When is the last time twenty-one churches in Springfield united to do anything?

If you are a majority culture Christian in Springfield, you might see the church as a place where all are welcome. But, if you are an LGBTQ person in Springfield, perhaps you see the church as the group who banded together to publicly stand against equal protection under the law for you and your family.

In 2011 and 2012, the proposed change was hotly debated in Springfield. Vocal opponents attended public meetings to speak out against the inclusion of the words "sexual orientation" in the anti-discrimination codes. Among these vocal opponents were pastors and religious leaders.

I'll admit with regret, I was not personally involved in the efforts to bring about anti-discrimination protection for LGBTQ people in 2011-2012. But, I do have a brief personal account which illustrates the level of volatility involved in the discussion.

At the time, I was not yet an active member of Equality Springfield. Despite my absence from the scene, I had been following this story with great interest. My schedule prevented me from attending the public meetings, but when I expressed my support for LGBT equality, my employer (at a Christian non-profit organization) attacked me on social media, questioned my faith, accused me of "not believing the Bible," and threatened to fire me on two separate occasions.

(Those of you who were Facebook friends with me at the time might remember some of these matters spilling onto my page.)

I do not share this to present myself as some kind of martyr. I'm not, by any means, a martyr. In fact, in my position of privilege, I was afforded the opportunity to tender my resignation from that organization face to face, under true "going out in a blaze of glory" conditions. The opportunity for me to do such was a privilege many others were never granted.

My personal persecution is non-existent, but this story illustrates some of the naked vitriol on display in our city during that time period.

Imagine what this must have been like for our LGBTQ neighbors.

Imagine you have gone to your city leaders, simply asking to be granted protection from housing and workplace discrimination. Who do you see expending the most time and energy to stand in opposition? The religious community.

In January 2012, Equality Springfield created a report, summarizing the process up until that point and citing examples of discrimination in our city. (Also, see this article from 2014, referring to the billboard project which followed.)

In February 2012, commissioners voted 3-2 against amending the city’s anti-discrimination codes. Commissioners Dan Martin, Joyce Chilton and Kevin O’Neill voted against the issue, while Mayor Warren Copeland and Commissioner Karen Duncan voted in favor of adding sexual orientation to the anti-discrimination codes.

This discussion was revisited in June 2016, when the Human Relations Board produced a report, documenting LGBT discrimination in the city.

To date, there has been no change to the ordinance.

Listen, church of Springfield, I'm not attacking you. Heck, I'm one of you, in a lot of ways. But if the Christian church is truly going to be loving to their LGBTQ neighbors in this city, they must first come to grips with their history of harmful actions. On a local level.

Context is key.

It's not enough to print All Are Welcome on your sign. After all, there are people in town who remember the time the churches of the city gathered together and opposed equal protection for an entire group of people.





A Footnote On Religious Freedom:
I won't outline the merits of the anti-discrimination ordinance in this post, that is for a later time (I am a strong supporter of adding "sexual orientation" to the ordinance). But because there are a few parallels with the current Ohio legislation called the Pastor Protection Act, I will mention one thing.

Some opponents to the anti-discrimination ordinance cited religious freedom as a concern. In short, they were worried they would face legal penalty if they refused to officiate the marriage of a same-sex couple. I'll point out that clergy already have the freedom to choose which weddings to officiate and which weddings to decline. Clergy already have these rights under the First Amendment of our United States Constitution and Article I of Ohio’s Constitution. For example, a pastor can choose not to legally marry a couple because they are not members of his congregation, or because they have not attended approved counseling, or because his religious convictions prohibit him from endorsing the union.

The proposed change to Springfield's city ordinance would not take away any of those freedoms, but would provide protection for LGBTQ people against workplace and housing discrimination. In relation to housing, there are some federal guidelines which can protect against housing discrimination, but there are no state or federal laws protecting the citizens of Springfield from discrimination based on their sexual orientation.

Allies Must Stand Against Conversion Therapy

Let's talk about mental health.

One aspect of being an ally involves paying attention to issues which affect the lives of LGBTQIA people.

Over the weekend, I saw several news articles related to conversion therapy.

The main story centered on the recent conviction of several people from a Christian ministry for gay youth and troubled teens. Some people in Alabama were convicted in January 2017 because of the various vile and abusive crimes they perpetrated against minors. You can read and watch the heart-breaking and infuriating pieces I am referring to here or here or here, all from March 2017.

These stories, and others like them, uncover all sorts of human rights violations, but for the purposes of this post, I want to zero in specifically on the idea of conversion therapy.

Conversion therapy refers to any effort to change an LGBTQIA person into a cis-gender, heterosexual person.

Before I go any further, I'll point out this 140 page report by the American Psychological Association, detailing their extensive study of conversion therapy, because I later summarize some of their findings. Also note, some portions of this post previously appeared as a note on my Facebook page in November 2016.  

The majority of conversion therapy is associated with religious conservatives. Current Vice President Mike Pence has expressed support of “those institutions which provide assistance to those seeking to change their sexual behavior.” And Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, whose language was used to frame the language of the Republican platform in 2016, has said that banning conversion therapy on children reduces “the right of parents to determine the proper treatment or therapy, for their minor children.”

That's right. Children.

Unwilling Participants 

Many subjects of conversion therapy are unwilling participants. Many of these people, including underage minors, are forced or pressured into conversion therapy. In the news stories linked above, parents enrolled their children in camps or group homes without their consent. Other times, people are pressured by their families or faith community to attend therapy sessions to be changed. (Even when people attend by their own free will, there is little evidence of success. See APA study).

Lack of Regulations

No psychiatric, psychological, or medical entity accepts conversion therapy as a reputable practice. As such, there is no set of standards or practices. Therefore, every conversion therapy practitioner can take a different approach. Many conversion therapy operations are administered by churches or ministries, with no oversight. 

Any person who thinks they can turn a person “un-gay” can take a stab at it. And they do. There are pastors and ministers who try to do this to people in church basements, without an understanding of the complex psychological principles involved when interacting with issues of identity and sexuality.

Claims of Causality

Sexual conversion therapy does all kinds of vile things to a person’s psyche by making causal claims related to homosexuality. Causal is the word... meaning what "caused" their homosexuality. In other words, some conversion therapy practitioners try to zero in on “why” a person is gay, thinking they are diagnosing the root of the "problem." These people attach reasons for a person’s gayness, with no regard for the damage they are doing.

For example, a gay conversion practitioner may convince a person they are gay because of something their parents did or didn’t do.

"You are attracted to the same sex because your mom and dad did something wrong."

Or, "If your parents had disciplined you differently, you wouldn't have turned out gay."

Misinformation and Misconceptions

A “gay conversion” doctor named Ovesey, back in the 1970’s, told people they were gay because they had a phobia about inhabiting their gender the “right way.” He said that if gay people would just sleep with a woman, they would be cured of their phobia of being a man.

Conversion therapy is dangerous because it opens the door for unqualified and unconcerned practitioners to convince gay people that their gayness comes from a specific person, experience, or “disorder.”

Aversion

 

Conversion therapy is dangerous because they do awful, awful things to people in the name of changing them. Beginning in the 60’s and 70’s, behavior therapists tried a variety of aversion treatments to "cure" gayness, such as inducing nausea, vomiting, or paralysis; electric shock; or having the individual snap an elastic band around the wrist when the individual became aroused to same-sex erotic images or thoughts.

One definitive finding of the study: approaches which start with self-stigma and shame are extremely unlikely to end in a healthy place. If we are going to be allies to our LGBTQIA friends and neighbors, we must reject those practices which do harm and embrace those practices which are life-giving and healthy.

Info-graphics, Summarizing the Findings of the APA Report on Conversion Therapy

Visiting Christ Episcopal Church

Deacon Rick Incorvati recently received a valuable gift. For years, a local gay bar produced and distributed a newsletter. A dear friend compiled remaining copies of the newsletter and gifted them to Rick, representing a piece of local LGBT history.

As Rick flipped through the treasure trove of newsletters, he came across an advertisement. In the early 1990s, Christ Episcopal Church had placed an ad in the gay bar's newsletter, welcoming any and all people to join them in worship. 

Christ Episcopal Church has a long history of going the extra mile to extend welcome to their neighbors.

Photo by WDTN photographer Jake Ryle.

One aspect of my quest to become a better ally includes exploring some of the people and places in my community who have publicly expressed welcome to their LGBTQ neighbors. As part of this effort, I am visiting all seven churches who added their name to the Equality Springfield billboard project.

I recently visited Christ Episcopal Church with my wife Rachel. Upon arriving, we were greeted warmly by several people, and we were also given a small gift bag with information about the church and some lovely gifts. There is no question that the people of this congregation live up to their reputation as warm and welcoming neighbors.

In the Episcopal tradition, liturgy shapes the service. Sometimes, when visitors are unaccustomed to the liturgical rhythm of a service, it can feel off-putting or confusing. When do I sit or stand? When do I speak? What do I say? At Christ Episcopal, my wife and I felt welcome to share in the proceedings at all times. Rather than feeling awkward or isolated, we felt connected to those around us. The people around us even took the time to help us follow along in the program.

Part of the beauty of liturgy is the way it helps to connect everyone in the room through shared reflection, actions, and words. Not only that, it helps to connect local believers with fellow believers around the globe through shared experience, drawing from the robust church history we hold in common.

By talking with our neighbors, and by reading the materials offered, we learned about the various activities taking place at Christ Episcopal. These activities are represented in the four broad categories of the church mission, which include outreach, hospitality, education, and worship. Although our visit took place on a Sunday morning, it became evident that the actions of the church echo throughout the week. We learned of a variety of worship and education opportunities for all ages, the support of a local food pantry and Rainbow Table meals for the homeless, and other efforts to make the welcome of Jesus manifest.

Christ Episcopal Church is also notable because it serves as the regular meeting location for Equality Springfield, and has hosted the Dayton Gay Men's Chorus on numerous occasions.

Rick Incorvati is a Deacon in the church, a position he has held since October 2016. He is currently assisting the Transition Priest-in-Charge as the congregation seeks out a new minister. I had a chance to talk with Rick, and he had this to say: 

For me, any faith community provides a way of connected with people across generations, across life experiences, and across differences in theology. Community of this sort isn't always easy, but it has been the source of personal growth for me. Christ Episcopal Church has also been a source of strength because of this community's willingness to not only accept me as a gay person but to also see my sexual orientation and my relationship with my husband as gifts, as integral parts of the voice that I bring to the larger body of the church.